


Where To Go Is Up To You, Dear

by OwenToDawn



Series: Hold My Body, Hold My Breath [4]
Category: AOMG, Jay Park (Musician), korean hip hop
Genre: Anal Fingering, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Dates, Hand Jobs, Intercrural Sex, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Making Out, Past Gray/Jay Park, Recreational Drug Use, Romantic Friendship, Shotgunning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:01:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28528908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwenToDawn/pseuds/OwenToDawn
Summary: “You’re attracted to men who see you,” Hyunjung says. “It’s not about the physical – it’s the emotional connection that turns you on.”“Oh.” Jaebeom stares down at the mixture of empty and full shot glasses. He thinks about Wonjae staring at him, sweaty and shaking after a performance as Jaebeom had kissed his hand. He thinks about the way they’d looked at each other in a New York City subway. He thinks about how he can’t keep his eyes off Wonjae ever, and how sometimes he feels Wonjae’s eyes on him too. “Oh fuck.”
Relationships: Lee Sunghwa | Gray/Park Jaebeom | Jay Park, Park Jaebeom | Jay Park & Lee Sunghwa | Gray, Park Jaebeom | Jay Park/Woo Wonjae
Series: Hold My Body, Hold My Breath [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035810
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	Where To Go Is Up To You, Dear

**Author's Note:**

> I wanna say this is the last part of this series but I have two more ideas - they're going to be way shorter than the big installments of this series but I do want to write them haha
> 
> This fic won't make much sense unless you read at least part 3 but it's best with all the other parts involved. Comments and kudos are of course loved and appreciated. I know this is a really niche pairing but if you do enjoy it, please let me know!
> 
> Title from Colorado Sunrise by 3Oh!3. The amount of 3Oh!3 on the playlist for this fic is wild. Also you can find me on Tumblr under the same name!

“So have you told him yet?”

Jaebeom huffs out a breath as Sunghwa watches from the corner of Jaebeom’s home gym as Jaebeom continues his pull up reps.

“Told who what?”

“Told Wonjae we fucked.”

Jaebeom swears as his hand slips off the bar and he drops back down to the ground, glaring at Sunghwa. As always, Sunghwa looks unflappable. His hair is wet from the shower he took, having finished his own work out ten minutes ago.

“No, I haven’t, but it seems like already knows from some of the shit he’s said,” Jaebeom says. He grabs the bar again and lets his frustration motivate him to do another rep.

It’s not that he really has anything to hide. Wonjae long ago put together the necessary pieces to know that once upon a time, he and Sunghwa had made a gigantic mistake of fucking and it had almost destroyed AOMG before it could even get off the ground properly. But he doesn’t know the details. Only Sunghwa has those.

“Why are you so comfortable with him knowing…that you’re a fucking…douchebag?” Jaebeom grunts out.

Sunghwa steps across the space towards him, a pleasant expression on his face as Jaebeom starts his last rep. “Was a fucking douchebag. I was one. I’m comfortable with how we’ve both grown.”

His hand runs down Jaebeom’s abdomen and Jaebeom curses, then kicks Sunghwa as he drops off the bar. Sunghwa just laughs and ducks when Jaebeom tries to whip him with the sweaty towel he’d had around his neck, still grinning when he straightens back up.

“Seriously though,” Sunghwa continues. “I think it’s unfair to ask him to share things with me when I’m not willing to share things with him.”

“I don’t want to be like…” Jaebeom shakes his head. He still gets the urge to punch Kiseok sometimes when he thinks about how fucked up he and Wonjae had gotten together that first year. It’s been nice, being friends with Wonjae instead of just colleagues. Still, he knows he needs to be aware of the power he holds over Wonjae, far more than what even Kiseok had.

“You and I aren’t Kiseok,” Sunghwa says. “We’re not into him like that, we’re just his friends.”

Jaebeom swipes his water bottle off the ground and squirts a few mouthfuls into his mouth, swallowing hard. “Right.”

“I’m not saying you should like, turn him into your therapist or something, but you can relax, yeah? You can trust him to know his boundaries,” Sunghwa says. “He’s gotten really good at that.”

And Jaebeom knows all that already. He’s watched Wonjae grow the last two years, find his footing, figure out what he wants in his career, who he wants to be around. More and more, Wonjae seems to be able to put him on his back foot instead of the other way around. And he seems to be aware of Jaebeom in a way he hasn’t been before, often catching when Jaebeom is looking at him when he didn’t used to, which also begs the question of why the fuck does he keep looking at Wonjae.

“Whatever. I’ll talk to him about it later,” Jaebeom says.

Sunghwa sighs and pats Jaebeom hard on his chest as he moves past him. “Alright. I’ll see you later.”

Jaebeom shakes his head as he heads for his bathroom as if that will get rid of his worries.

-.-

Jaebeom doesn’t like Jeong-sik. He doesn’t know _why_ he doesn’t like Jeong-sik. He’s a decent rapper, he’s always been kind and polite, and he makes Wonjae laugh. All the time. Like it’s easy.

“Relax CEO Park, you’re gonna make his shirt catch on fire with a glare like that.”

Jaebeom looks away from where Wonjae and Jeong-sik are talking near the railing of the platform that overlooks the club they’re at to see Ye-eun standing at his table. He’s rented out the top level for a celebration of Kiseok’s newest EP. People liked to joke that he never passes up an opportunity to party but honestly, he’d rather go home. This is purely for Kiseok’s benefit. Next to him, Ye-eun slides into the booth and pushes of a shot of tequila into his hand.

“Thanks,” he says.

Ye-eun tosses her pink hair over her shoulder knocks back her own shot before rubbing her red lipstick off the glass. “It’s your money, not mine.”

Jaebeom throws the shot back in lieu of answering and watches as Wonjae leans into Jeong-sik’s body, dragging him down by his jacket so he can talk in his ear, smile wide on his face.

"So who are you mad at? Wonjae or Jeong-sik?” she asks, leaning forward on her elbow and resting her chin on her palm.

"I’m not mad at anyone,” he says.

Wonjae shifts away from Jeong-sik, hand resting against Jeong-sik’s elbow before he drops it. He glances over at their table. His gaze slides from Ye-eun to him and Jaebeom ducks his head before he gets the wrong idea.

“Oh, this is fascinating,” Ye-eun says, leaning back to fiddle with her empty shot glass. “What’s going on here, did he like, fuck your girlfriend? Do you even have a girlfriend?”

Jaebeom opens his mouth to say…something, but Kiseok runs into their table a moment later and then grins.

“Ye-eun! You came!” he says.

“Of course I came,” she says, her tone turning sickly sweet as Kiseok beams at her.

Jaebeom questions if Kiseok has ever had any sense of self-preservation as Ye-eun slides out of the booth and grabs Kiseok by his upper arm and drags him towards the dance floor. Maybe it’ll be good for him. If she doesn’t get bored of him, maybe she can bring some stability to his life. From the expression on her face, he has a feeling her interest isn’t going to go beyond seeing if she can make him cry. Either way, it leaves him alone once more wondering why he can’t seem to keep his eyes on someone who isn’t a man.

No sooner does the thought cross his mind does he see Sunghwa heading up the stairs with a woman on either arm, sliding past the bouncer as he laughs. He meets Jaebeom’s gaze and the invitation is obvious. Jaebeom gets up and heads to meet him and shoves the question of why he can’t stop looking at Wonjae to the side to deal with later.

-.-

“Do you think I look at Wonjae too much?”

Jaebeom slurs the question out as Sungwoo dumps him on his living room couch. It hadn’t worked out with the woman he and Sunghwa had danced with. He’d tried to be into them but…maybe he’s too drunk? Well, in fairness, he’d only started drinking heavily after he realized he wasn’t the slightest bit aroused by the way the woman’s hand had felt on the inside of his thigh.

“Ah, no, you are not sober enough for this conversation,” Sungwoo says.

That’s answer enough and as soon as the room stops spinning, Jaebeom thinks he’ll resign as CEO and go live as a recluse in the wilds of Seattle.

“That’s a bit extreme,” Sungwoo says as he rolls Jaebeom onto his side before setting a trash bin on the ground in front of him. “Let’s try having this conversation again when you can tell if you’re talking out loud or in your head, yeah?”

Jaebeom offers a thumbs up as he shuts his eyes.

-.-

They do not talk about it again. Sungwoo asks some probing questions a day later but Jaebeom just pretends to not know what he’s talking about and he ends up dropping it. It confirms what he’d already feared. Apparently everyone’s noticed enough to all have their own opinions about it. The thing is…he doesn’t know why he’s so drawn to Wonjae.

Part of it’s the honesty. He knows that by and large, Wonjae sees his lyricism and the raw emotion he brings to the stage as a sign of weakness, and while he’s never going to debate Wonjae on the matter, he doesn’t feel the same. To him, it’s a strength. Even if it doesn’t feel like he’s being strong, the fact that he keeps going is a strength in Jaebeom’s eyes. But like with everything, he never wants to put his own beliefs or views on Wonjae, too terrified of unduly pressuring him into something.

That fear, he’s quite sure, comes from the disastrous relationship that Wonjae and Kiseok had. But like Sunghwa said, there’s no real fear of that same thing playing out. Kiseok had been attracted to Wonjae from the start, but Sunghwa has no such interest in Wonjae and neither does Sungwoo given that they’re both straight. And while Jaebeom isn’t straight, he doesn’t think he’s attracted to Wonjae either.

After all, he knows what attraction feels like. The deep pull in his gut, the way his blood races faster, the way his eyes are drawn to the curve of a woman’s breasts and hips, her calves when she was in high heels, the smell of perfume when his lips pressed to the space behind her ear and down her neck. Looking at Wonjae instills no such reaction. Then again, it’s not like he has much to compare it to. He’s done a pretty good job of just not being attracted to men even when he is. He just…doesn’t think about it. Doesn’t indulge it. Pushes it away the moment it bubbles up.

He can blame Sunghwa for that, but also himself. Sunghwa’s changed. He’s better now. But he still remembers being Sunghwa’s learning curve, remembers the taste of alcohol on Sunghwa’s tongue as they’d kissed and Sunghwa said Jaebeom was pretty. His one and only time having a man fuck him had ended up in that same man saying he hadn’t really enjoyed it all that much and was still completely straight. There were other words said of course, words Jaebeom tries not to remember consciously too often, but they do swim in his head still sometimes when he sees a man and starts to feel the pull of attraction. And he can’t think of a single time he’s felt that towards Wonjae.

Wonjae…every time he talks to Wonjae he feels like he comes away feeling like he understands something about himself or Wonjae. Not even with the deep conversations. It’s not like he’s using Wonjae’s pain and struggles to learn about himself and learn what not to do or anything like that – he’s made enough of his own mistakes in that regard. But talking to Wonjae even about the most benign meaningless things makes him think about his own opinions. Their conversations are stimulating. He likes having them. He likes having Wonjae’s focus on him.

That’s not attraction, as far as he knows.

-.-

Sohee and Wonjae spend a lot of time together these days. He’s found them together on plenty of occasions when they’re both at the AOMG building, sequestered away in a studio room working together on tracks or lyrics. On one such occasion, he gets dragged into a conversation about antifolk, the musical movement Wonjae had been interested in when they were in New York City together and which Sohee knew more about than either of them given her musical style.

He ends up being more of an observer than a participant. Listening to them talk makes him think of how desperately he wanted to sign Wonjae to give him the space to be as authentic as possible with as wide of a reach as possible. It’s a similar drive that made him want to sign Sohee too. He wants to give people the space to be authentic, and he’s well aware of the fact that part of that drive is a result of how much his own fame is built on inauthenticity. It’s not exactly that he’s using people like Wonjae and Sohee, but he definitely is aware that he’s living vicariously through them sometimes. Even if their authentic selves are nothing like his own, it’s…rewarding, in a sense, to provide for others to do that.

“I have to go though, I’m meeting Hyunjung for drinks,” Sohee says, grabbing her journal off Wonjae’s desk and shoving it in her bag. “I’ll see you both later?”

“Yeah,” Wonjae says. “I need to drop those CDs off at yours.”

Jaebeom nods in response and she smiles at them both before slinging her bag over her shoulder and heading out the door.

“You guys working on something together?” Jaebeom asks.

“Nothing serious,” Wonjae says. “Mostly tossing ideas around and playing around with some different beats and shit like that. Are you heading home too?”

“I was,” Jaebeom says. He thinks about how Wonjae knows but doesn’t really know about what happened with Sunghwa. It’s something he feels more keenly since Sunghwa brought it up, and he knows that Wonjae would be perfectly okay with never discussing it again, but he feels like he wants to. “I thought maybe we could talk.”

Wonjae pauses mid click from shutting down his computer and then spins back towards him in his chair, frowning. “Is something wrong?”

Jaebeom shakes his head. “Not like that, everything is fine. I just though uh…maybe we should talk about what happened with me and Sunghwa?”

“Oh. Really?” Wonjae turns his chair the rest of the way around. “You know you don’t have to, right?”

“No, I know. I don’t know, I just want to,” Jaebeom says, tone turning defensive. “It’s…I actually haven’t told anyone the whole thing before? Kiseok knows but that’s it. I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t tell you.”

Jaebeom hates how frantic he feels, how scattered his own words come out. It’s not like he’s insecure about liking dudes. He’s not Jiho. But he’s pretty sure he can count on one hand the amount of times he’s sat down and actually opened up to someone about something that was this emotionally…charged. He’s always been more comfortable on the other end. It’s always been easier, letting other people depend on him.

“Why do you not want to tell me?” Wonjae asks, arms crossing loosely over his chest as his head tilts to the side.

“I…don’t want to put my problems on you,” Jaebeom says after a moment.

"It’s not a problem,” Wonjae says. “You and Sunghwa are still friends, right?”

“Well, yeah, but it’s…the whole thing is why I’m like…” Jaebeom feels his lips twist up in a grimace. “You know, I only ever fucked Sunghwa and then made out with Minho once. I’ve never been with guys outside that.”

“Oh…really?” Wonjae nods. “Okay, I see the problem then. Whatever happened freaked you out, right?”

“Right,” Jaebeom says as his right leg begins to bounce against the hard studio floor. “I’m not trying to turn you into my therapist or something so that’s why it feels weird to talk to you about it.”

“If I recall properly, it was you who said you weren’t trying to be my therapist. You were trying to be my friend,” Wonjae says. “Obviously this is bugging you if you want to talk to me about it, and if we’re friends that’s something we can talk about if you want. But if you don’t feel right being friendly like that, that’s cool too.”

“How are you like this?” Jaebeom asks, unable to keep exasperation out of his voice. He regrets it as soon as he says it, because he can see the way the words register in Wonjae’s mind. _How are you like this? How are you this weird? How are you this different? How are you this wrong?_ “Like, steady. That’s what I mean. How are you this comfortable with me talking to you about this shit when I’m like your boss, sort of.”

“Because you’ve been up front from the start that you’re not my boss,” Wonjae says, arms unfolding and his hands dropping to his lap. “That was one of the first things you told me. I didn’t have to worry about making you money, I just had to worry about making my art. From the start…from the start you’ve always seemed more like a friend and less like a boss, I think, so with stuff like this, you coming to me or whatever…it’s kind of nice? To know I can maybe like…help you the way you’ve helped me.”

That sours Jaebeom’s mood further. “So it’s transactional to you?”

“Not…really?” Wonjae frowns as he thinks and Jaebeom watches as he scratches at the seam of his jeans near his knee. “Like, sort of I guess, but not like…like I don’t want to help you figure this out because I feel like I owe you. It’s kind of like…everyone here, you, Sunghwa, Sungwoo, you’ve all worked so hard to provide a space for me to figure my shit out and provide support for me so I could work on myself. I like the idea of being in a position where I can help you guys too now. Like a friend.”

Jaebeom nods, thinking over the words. It makes sense when Wonjae breaks it down the way he does. He imagines after spending the last two years being babied and supported as much as he was, it really must feel nice to think that he’s trusted enough with something important and emotional.

“I’m bad at relying on people,” Jaebeom says.

The words prompt a smile from Wonjae in response. “Yeah, I picked up on that. You like to take care of everyone else.”

“Pretty much.”

“Well…when you feel like you can rely on me, I’ll be here,” Wonjae says. “I really do appreciate that you’ve been so careful to like, I don’t know, make sure that you’re not putting pressure on me because I’m so much younger than you but…I feel more stable now. You can rely on me whenever you’re ready.”

“Yeah, that’s probably not now, is it?”

Wonjae shakes his head. “I don’t think so. But that’s fine. When you’re ready, you’re ready. It sounds like that whole thing was some heavy shit.”

“I guess…I guess it is,” Jaebeom says.

He’s never really thought of it that way. He’s always just pushed it away and slotted it under the category of a stupid mistake the same way a lot of shit he did that year he was. It’s a bad decision, not a traumatic event. Well…except maybe it was. Not traumatic like losing a parent or a friend or being attacked, but traumatic enough that it still bugged him even though he’s forgiven Sunghwa a thousand times over.

“Thanks for this,” Jaebeom says.

"No problem,” Wonjae says, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Jaebeom likes that he sees that more often these days. “Go home, dude. I’ll be around.”

Jaebeom nods his thanks and sees himself out.

-.-

Jaebeom wouldn’t exactly describe Jiho or Minho as friends of his. The three of them are more…acquaintances who also happen to know way too much about each other mostly on accident. Speaking to Wonjae about his past with Sunghwa has made him rethink some things though. Rethink them in the sense that he’s starting to realize that perhaps he has far more in common with Minho of all people than he ever thought he would.

He sends a text and Minho sends him his apartment address in response.

When he gets to the door, he barely has a chance to knock before Minho answers, a surprised look on his face as if he wasn’t the one who just buzzed Jaebeom into the building. He really wonders if being this clueless is genuine for him or if it’s all an act. It’s hard to know.

“Oh right, hi,” he says. “Come on in.”

The apartment is nice, better than a small dorm that Jaebeom knew he used to share with all his bandmates. This one is just with-

“Ah, company,” Jinu says, stepping out from the hallway as Jaebeom pushes his shoes off with his feet and leaves them by the door. In his arms, he holds a hairless pale cat. Minho leads Jaebeom past him, but before he can slide past, Jinu steps in front of Jaebeom, looks him over once up and down, and then deposits his cat in Jaebeom’s arms. “I’m going out. Have fun.”

Jaebeom watches as Jinu moves past him and heads towards the door, grabbing his own coat off the rack and cramming his feet into his shoes before opening the door to leave. The cat in his arms blinks up at him and lets out a mournful meow. Minho reaches out and takes the cat from him, kissing the top of his head before setting him down and then turning towards Jaebeom with an apologetic look.

“Is he always like that?” Jaebeom asks.

“Like what?” Minho asks as he leads the way down towards his bedroom.

“Judgmental,” Jaebeom says.

“Oh. Yeah,” Minho says. He opens his bedroom door and then shuts it once Jaebeom is through as well. “He doesn’t really like people intruding on our space, but I warned him ahead of time that you were coming, so don’t worry about it. He’s not mad at you.”

“We could’ve gone someplace else,” Jaebeom says.

"Nah, it’s fine,” Minho says, sprawling out on his bed and then turning towards Jaebeom from where he lays. “So why did you want to meet up?””

Jaebeom glances around his room and then opts to sit on the edge of Minho’s desk, watching as a fluffy ginger cat crawls out from under the bed to peer up at him. “I wanted to talk to you about you and Jiho actually.”

“Oh, if this is about your party like a year ago, I promise no one else saw us outside Wonjae and his friend,” Minho says, propping himself up on his elbows.

“What? No,” Jaebeom says. “Although, while I’m here, you two really should be more careful. You’re lucky it was just Wonjae.”

Minho nods. “Yeah, I know. That was my fault. It hasn’t happened since. But anyways, you said you weren’t here to lecture me so what’s going on?”

Jaebeom stares at him, suddenly feeling like he’s been thrown onto his back foot again. It really doesn’t come naturally, relying on people. Especially someone like Minho, where their relationship with each other didn’t quite match the level of information they had on one another. It makes him one of the most trustworthy people Jaebeom knows and yet they rarely talk.

“Alright, so how about I ask some questions and you just answer,” Minho says, and it drives home that his own discomfort must be obvious on his face. “Is this about like…you being bi?”

“Sort of,” Jaebeom says. “It’s actually…so I had a situation like yours and Jiho’s, but I guess I’ve been avoiding thinking about it for a lot of different reasons and now that I am again, I’m realizing maybe…I should talk to someone about it. I’m having trouble talking to my like actual friends about it-“

He cuts himself, realizing how that sounds, but the usual oblivious expression on Minho’s face is nowhere to be found, instead his gaze intent and careful as he looks at Jaebeom. Something bumps into his lower leg and he looks down to see the cat from under the bed butting her head against him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to like, say you’re not a friend,” Jaebeom finishes, tone flattening.

"No, it’s fine, we’re not really,” Minho says. He leans forward to scoop the cat back up, cradling her to his chest and scratching the top of her head with one hand as he looks back at Jaebeom. “But I did make out with you and then cried in your lap so that counts for something probably.”

“I just figured maybe it’d be easier to talk to someone who’s been through something similar before I talk to someone else about it, that’s all,” Jaebeom says.

Minho nods. “Okay. So…what happened?”

Jaebeom opens his mouth but once again, finds himself robbed of the ability to speak. He takes a deep breath and then tries again. “The first person I had my eye on when I started AOMG was Sunghwa, or uh, Gray. We’d already sort of known each other, and he could produce better than me and rap and I figured it’d be a good place to start. So we started talking and we got close and then shortly before he signed, we got drunk together.”

He has to stop again because he can still remember the night so well in his mind. The pull of attraction from the serious way Sunghwa had stared at him, like he was seeing everything and didn’t mind. Sunghwa was the first person he’d ever told he was bisexual, and he’d taken it in stride. He’d been curious even.

“So then he started asking me like, what it was like to be with a guy and I told him I didn’t know because I’d never been with a guy before,” Jaebeom continues. Across the room, Minho kisses the cat’s head and sets her back down in his lap before continuing to pet her back even as he looks at Jaebeom. “Then…I don’t know who suggested it first, but we ended up making out in my living room and then we decided to fuck.”

"Wait, Gray is gay? Or bi?” Minho asks.

Jaebeom shakes his head. “No.”

“Oh. Oh shit.”

“Right, so we fucked, and I…liked it a lot,” Jaebeom says.

“Did you bottom?” Minho asks.

The question throws Jaebeom off and on instinct he almost says no but it’s Minho. He’s not asking to gossip. He’s just trying to understand the whole situation.

“Yeah. I did.”

"Okay. So you liked it?”

Jaebeom nods. “And after, I like…I don’t know I said something stupid like ‘well I guess I definitely know I like dudes’. And he uhhh…he said he definitely didn’t, and that it was really weird how much I liked it, and that he didn’t think someone like me would like it like that so much.”

The words escape him in a rush and he can’t really believe it unsettles him this much to talk about it out loud, like this. It’s been years. It shouldn’t still sting as bad as it does, but then that’s kind of the whole reason he’s here, spilling his guts to Minho, isn’t it? Because it still stings.

“I asked him to specify what he meant,” Jaebeom says, looking down at Minho’s cat to avoid his gaze. “And he said anyone who liked getting fucked that much would be better off just being a girl.”

“Jesus.”

Jaebeom lets out a long breath and then looks back up at Minho. “So yeah, that was it. We parted ways, we didn’t talk for like two months, he almost didn’t sign, then he came back and apologized and we talked it out and now we’re still best friends and he’s still very straight but I don’t know. It’s still bugging me, I guess. Not like I want another apology from him? Like I know…I know he’s actually sorry. But still.”

"We really are alike huh?” Minho asks, and it’s his turn to look down as he starts petting his cat’s back again. “I got told I was horrible for kissing a man for the first time, you got told you were horrible for sleeping with a man for the first time. Really isn’t great for building the confidence.”

"No. Not really,” Jaebeom says.

“I would say I don’t know how you’re still friends with him, but considering I’m dating Jiho…no, I get it,” Minho says. “Does he know it still affects you?”

Jaebeom frowns as he thinks. “I…don’t know actually. I feel like I barely know how it affects me to be honest. It’s like…I don’t even know what being attracted to men feels like.”

“Well you thought One was attractive,” Minho says.

“I mean, yeah, but that was like, objectively,” Jaebeom says. “Not…not me actually being into him.”

Minho nods and then lifts the cat up to set her down next to him instead as he looks back up at Jaebeom. “And when we made out, were you attracted to me?”

“No offense, but not really,” Jaebeom says. “That was more…I didn’t want to push you away and like, make you think you were bad for wanting to kiss me.”

“Fair enough,” Minho says. “Which…thanks for that. So you’ve told me about this really shitty interaction you had. Now what? What are you trying to accomplish?”

“I guess…honestly all of this started to because people keep saying I look at Wonjae too much,” Jaebeom says. “And then I just got thinking about like…why do I keep looking at him so much because I don’t think I’m attracted to him, but then I don’t even know what being attracted to guys feels like because I try so hard to just not be attracted to them in the first place.”

"Oh, that makes sense. You can’t figure out what it’s like to be attracted to guys if you’re terrified of looking like a girl,” Minho says.

“It’s different, I think, because I grew up in the U.S.,” Jaebeom says. “It’s…the kind of insults and shit I got, the way people look at Asian dudes, it’s all this attachment to like…femininity and shit that I don’t fucking have, and I’m not saying that because I’m ashamed or whatever I’m just like not…girly.”

“No, I get that,” Minho says. “Me and Jiho both can be, I think. Like…we like girly things and I guess we’ve always felt a little bit bad about it, but not the way you’re talking about. It’s weird to have your whole being affiliated with being feminine just because you’re Korean. Americans are weird.”

“Koreans can be weird about shit too,” Jaebeom says with a short laugh.

“Yeah, no shit,” Minho says, grinning up at him. “But…yeah…what he said to you was really fucked up, you know? And not true. I don’t know if getting a pep talk from me of all people helps at all, but for what it’s worth, liking men, and even more than that, liking to be fucked, does not make you a girl. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think…maybe you should go out and see what you find attractive in guys?”

“I can’t do that,” Jaebeom says.

Minho flaps his hands in a quick motion. “Not like, I don’t mean like go pick some random dude up as Jay Park, I mean like, go to a club and…look at guys. Let yourself be attracted to the ones you feel drawn to and see what that feels like.”

Jaebeom sighs and looks up at Minho’s ceiling as he folds his arms across his chest. “I can’t believe I’m in my fucking thirties and it’s like I’m going through puberty all over again.”

“Jiho said that’s how he felt like when we started dating,” Minho says. “He said he felt like he was starting his life late, and I guess in a way he was and maybe you are too? But better late than never, right?”

Jaebeom can’t really argue with that.

-.-

Jaebeom shifts in his seat as Hyunjung finishes typing a message out on her phone and then sets it face down on the table before leaning back in the booth to face him. She gives him an assessing look and then looks down over the platform they’re on to the dance floor below. She’d picked the club when he’d asked her for help with figuring out what sort of guys he was into. Apparently, it’s one she frequents with her friends.

“Is Sunghwa actually your type or was he just convenient?” she asks, leaning across the table and resting her chin on the back of her hand.

"I think both,” Jaebeom says. “He’s like…he takes care of himself, and that’s hot, but also he isn’t taller than me. I don’t like it when they’re taller than me.”

“Ah, no wonder you were never into me,” she says, her lips quirking up into a teasing smile. “So, men shorter than you or the same height, relatively fit, got it. Let me see…”

She stands up and walks over to the railing so she can look out over the dance floor better. After a moment of hesitation, Jaebeom joins her. It’s fine. Looking out over a dance floor with a colleague and friend wouldn’t raise any red flags. It wouldn’t out him. It’s not like the press would know he’s looking at men. After a moment, Hyunjung leans into him and points with her finger.

“Guy in the red shirt, buzz cut. Near the upper right corner dancing with the woman in the pink dress,” she says in his ear.

Jaebeom searches the crowd for who she’s talking about. The man is…objectively attractive. He’s got muscles that Jaebeom can appreciate even if watching the guy move doesn’t really do anything for him. After a moment, he shakes his head.

“Nah.”

Hyunjung goes through half the guys in the club by the time she gives up. They retreat back to their booth together and when the waitress stops by, she orders them both a few shots of tequila.

"Are you sure you’re bi?” she asks. “Like, I don’t mean that as a joke, but are you sure Sunghwa wasn’t some weird sort of fluke or something?”

"Yeah,” Jaebeom says. “I’ve liked other men since and before him.”

“Like who?”

Jaebeom closes his eyes and tips his head back as he thinks. “Uh. Joon-kyung for a little while, but I’m pretty sure that was more like…I was excited someone didn’t treat me like shit when I reached out that it turned me on.”

Hyunjung snorts and when Jaebeom looks at her she’s shaking her head. “Sorry, just…I don’t know. It’s just like you, somehow.”

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“No, no, I’ll keep my observations to myself for a moment,” she says, waving a hand. “Who else?”

The waitress sets their shots down and vanishes out of sight. Jaebeom grabs two of the shots and knocks them back one after the other, exhaling with a groan as they burn their way down his throat.

"That painful to think about?” she asks.

“Yeah, actually.” He shakes his head and thinks back again. “G-Dragon.”

“Oh shut up everyone’s attracted to G-Dragon,” Hyunjung says.

“No, I’m serious!” Jaebeom says, a laugh escaping him “It was at some awards show after party, I ran into him. And he was honestly like a little bit tipsy and so when we started talking or whatever, we ended up arguing.”

“About what?” Hyunjung asks.

“Fucking…hip-hop, what else?” Jaebeom says. “It was like 2015? He ended up dragging me off to this balcony and it got really heated and he told me I was just like him, but I was too chicken shit to be honest about it and…I was really into it.”

Hyunjung raises an eyebrow at him. “You were into him insulting you?”

“Yeah!” Jaebeom winces as his brain catches up with her words. “Well, kinda? It was more like…all his attention was on me, and he was like, seeing right through all my bullshit and just called me on it and he had this look like he wanted to…fuck me or kill me, I’m not sure.”

“Huh…” When Hyunjung looks at him now, her expression is contemplative, not teasing. “I think I get it.”

“Get what?” he asks.

“You’re attracted to men who see you,” Hyunjung says. “It’s not about the physical – it’s the emotional connection that turns you on.”

“Oh.” Jaebeom stares down at the mixture of empty and full shot glasses. He thinks about Wonjae staring at him, sweaty and shaking after a performance as Jaebeom had kissed his hand. He thinks about the way they’d looked at each other in a New York City subway. He thinks about how he can’t keep his eyes off Wonjae ever, and how sometimes he feels Wonjae’s eyes on him too. “Oh fuck.”

-.-

Once he starts thinking about it, he can’t stop thinking about it. The fact that he’s been attracted to Wonjae for nearly a year and hasn’t even noticed because he’s so fucking terrified is bad enough. It’s made even worse when he considers his actions from the start. Was the contract he offered just attraction? What about the ways he’s wanted to help, the ways he has helped? Has it all been born of his attraction, subconsciously trying to make it so Wonjae liked him? The thought makes him feel sick.

The logical thing to do would be to talk to someone about it. As much as he wants to indulge his desire to bury this attraction as deep as humanly possible, he decides to make a better choice. He needs an outside perspective first and foremost. Which means…

“Oh wow.” Jiho lets out a long breath, eyebrows raising almost comically high as he taps his fingers on his knees. “That’s…that’s a lot.”

“I know.” Jaebeom looks at Jiho’s studio ceiling and shifts lower where he’s stretched out on his couch so his head drops off the arm rest to lay flat as he hangs his legs over the other end. “Believe me, I am well aware how pathetic this all is.”

“Never thought I’d see the day where you were coming to me to talk about your sexuality crisis,” Jiho says. “You seemed so much more confident a few years ago.”

"That was before I realized I’m a fucking predator.”

“Okay, well first of all you’re not a predator, so let’s get that point out of the way,” Jiho says. When Jaebeom looks over at him and opens his mouth to respond, Jiho just shakes his head. “I’m not debating that with you. Being someone’s friend while you’re attracted to them doesn’t make you a predator, not even if you’re his CEO. When have you ever run your label like you’re their boss or like you control what they do?”

“Never.”

Jiho spreads his hands palms up and stretches his arms away from each other. “Point made. You haven’t made him do anything for your approval or support. That’s not a predator. You can’t run around acting like any time you’re attracted to a guy it’s somehow tainted or it somehow makes you a bad person or a predator or…a girl.” Jiho frowns. “Did Sunghwa really call you that?”

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says.

“What an ass. I’m getting distracted, sorry,” Jiho says. “But like…it’s wrong. The way you’re thinking I mean. The way I spent most my life thinking. Attraction to people isn’t gross. Treating them like shit is, and everything you’ve told me sounds less like you treating Wonjae like some sort of conquest and more like…you got close with someone while helping them and now you’re into them. And maybe he’s not even into you so it doesn’t matter anyways. But…I don’t think anything you’ve done up until this point has been to get into his pants.”

He’s flushing by the end of the sentence, and it still boggles Jaebeom’s mind the way Jiho can be simultaneously so crude and bashful all at the same time.

“You really think that?” Jaebeom asks, turning on his side. “You think this is just me like…what. Developing feelings for him naturally over the course of us becoming friends?”

"Well…yeah,” Jiho says with a shrug. “That’s way more believable than you subconsciously manipulating him and you because you were into him the moment you met. I don’t really have any experience with liking anyone other than Minho but like…I’ve always figured relationships came from good friendship first. It sounds like that’s what this is to me. Honestly, you talk about yourself the way I talked about myself. It’s kind of surprising to hear.”

"I didn’t realize how bad it was until I tried to talk to Wonjae about what happened with me and Sunghwa,” Jaebeom says. “I’ve always just figured…I’m attracted to guys sometime, but I’m not gonna worry about it because eventually I’ll just fall in love with a woman and settle down after all this career shit is done, you know?”

Jiho nods. Even though he’s gay, Jaebeom knows how dedicated to the idea of faking it until he made it Jiho was for the vast majority of his life. It’s a little bit different, considering Jaebeom actually has the capacity to fall in love with a woman, but at the end of the day, he thinks it’s not that different at all on the face of it. The pressure is there, no matter what, to marry a woman and have kids, and have the traditional heterosexual life. Jaebeom doesn’t…want to be attracted to men. Any man.

“So what are you going to do now?” Jiho asks. “You know, just because you’re into Wonjae doesn’t mean he’s into you, and even if he is, that doesn’t mean you have to decide to get married, or, well, as married as you can be here.”

Jaebeom blinks. “Oh. Right.”

Jiho laughs at his expression, leaning back in his studio chair as he does so. “You really are like a big soft romantic aren’t you?”

“Like you’re not,” Jaebeom says with an eye roll.

“Oh, I absolutely am,” Jiho says. “I’ve just also been pretty aware of what’s the real me and what’s the fake me, and I’ve spent the last few years learning to be okay with the real parts of myself I used to reject. I…maybe I’m speaking out of line here, but from everything you’ve told me, it feels like maybe you haven’t quite figured out what parts of yourself are real or fake and which parts you’re okay with.”

Jaebeom mulls the words over as he turns his gaze back up towards the ceiling. It’s kind of strange being lectured by someone younger than him, especially by someone who just a few years ago was yelling at _him_ about how he was only gay if he acted on it. In so many ways, he feels like he’s years behind those who are younger than him. It makes him think of how Wonjae spoke about hating the way people looked at him like he was older than he was just because he struggled with mental illness. He gets why Wonjae hates that people look at him that way.

Still, when it comes to being comfortable with his sexuality, Wonjae, Jiho, Minho…all of them _are_ years ahead of him. He’s spent years thinking he’s well-adjusted and now it feels like in a matter of weeks, his own perception of himself has been entirely up-ended and now he’s lost. He supposes the upside to that is all of the people he’s helped along the way are willing to help him. He turns his head again to look back at Jiho.

“I think you’re right. I…I have some thinking to do.”

"That’s fine,” Jiho says. “You don’t have to be in a rush, and you have a lot of friends who are willing to help you out, you know that right?”

Jaebeom nods. If anything, the last few weeks of speaking with Minho and Jiho have shown him he’s been wrong to not classify them as friends. They aren’t friends the way other people are. They aren’t drinking buddies, they aren’t smoking buddies, they aren’t people he’d go to or expect to come to him casually to hang out on a free evening (if they even had one). But…they are people he can go to for advice, and he thinks he’s still that to them.

It’s comforting to know he’s not a total mess. He just has some issues to work through.

-.-

Jaebeom tells Sungwoo and Wonjae about his time with Sunghwa at Sungwoo’s place when they’re passing a joint around while lying on Sungwoo’s living room floor as the speakers cycle through backtracks Sungwoo is thinking of using for his new album. It’s easier to talk about with the slight fuzzy edge that comes from being a little bit high. It also helps that he doesn’t have to look at them when they’re stretched out as they are, with one of them on either side of him.

It feels good to get off his chest, even if it makes him a little anxious too. More than anything, it drives home why he finds Wonjae’s ability to get up on stage and just be honest regardless of his fear of judgment to be so amazing. Their silence after he’s done makes him nervous though. It’s not like he’d dropped it on them without warning – he’d asked if he could talk about it before doing so. The silence feels heavy though, like they’re upset.

“I’m going to punch Sunghwa,” Wonjae says.

“It’s not like that,” Jaebeom cuts in. “He…we’re fine now.”

“I mean, sure, but he deserves to be punched again,” Wonjae says.

“Punching people is not a healthy way to deal with issues,” Sungwoo says, blowing smoke out up towards the ceiling and then passing the blunt to Jaebeom. “But for what it’s worth, I also would like to trip him when he least expects it or something. Even if you’ve settled your differences, it’s upsetting to hear.”

Jaebeom skips and just passes it to Wonjae instead before tucking his arm behind his head for more cushion. “Like, obviously it was bad because it’s still bugging me right, but like…we’re on good terms. Hell, half the time he flirts with me.”

“How are you cool with that?” Wonjae asks.

“I…It’s not serious,” Jaebeom says. “I know that, he knows that, it’s just like, fun I guess?”

“Even though he called you a girl for liking sex with men,” Wonjae says, tone flat. “I mean, I know he said he was homophobic in the past so I’m not surprised, but I just don’t get how you’re comfortable with it.”

Jaebeom shrugs. “I don’t know. I know I don’t have any hard feelings towards him or anything though. It’s just. The stigma I guess, that’s stuck with me for some reason, even though I know he doesn’t think that way about me, and none of you think that way about me.”

“You said Americans see us as what, feminine? Submissive?” Sungwoo asks.

“Yeah.” Jaebeom can feel his face twist up in a grimace and when Wonjae passes him the joint, he takes a drag before passing it along to Sungwoo as he exhales. “It’s just some good old racism.”

“Having such beliefs instilled in you at a young age probably didn’t help, so what you feel now probably has less to do with how Sunghwa has treated you and more about reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself that you’ve internalized,” Sungwoo says.

“What are you, a psychologist?” Jaebeom asks, turning his head to look at Sungwoo.

Sungwoo blows smoke up at the ceiling and drops the blunt back in the ashtray between them as he turns his head to look at Jaebeom. “Isn’t being a musician a little bit like being a psychologist?”

Jaebeom stares into his eyes and decides he’s not nearly high enough for Sungwoo’s level of conversation. Before he can respond though, Wonjae dissolves into giggles on the other side of him.

“I sure hope I’m not anyone’s psychologist,” Wonjae says.

When Jaebeom turns to look at him instead, there’s a wide smile on his face, the kind he’s been so insecure about showing in public for fear of people saying he’s faking his depression. It’s a shame. Jaebeom likes it, likes the way his eyes light up, the way his cheeks look. He’s aware that he’s staring at Wonjae too close again, and now that he’s aware of everything, it’s easy to notice the way his gut twists up and his heart beats a little faster.

Sungwoo groans as he sits up, grabbing the ash tray and setting it between Wonjae and him before shuffling off towards his kitchen. “I’m gonna find snacks. You guys finish that.”

Wonjae grabs the smoldering remains of the joint as he sits up and Jaebeom sits up as well, watching as Wonjae looks at the joint for a moment. “Hey, come here.”

Jaebeom shifts closer, watches as Wonjae takes a deep drag of what’s left and then leans in close. Instinct lets his mouth drop open and he closes his eyes as he inhales the smoke Wonjae exhales out, his lips brushing against Jaebeom’s so feather light, Jaebeom’s not even sure he felt it. He lets the smoke fill his lungs and tilts his head back to blow it up towards the ceiling. He can hear his heart pounding in his ears. When he looks back down at Wonjae, there’s a grin on his face and a light flush on his cheeks.

He wants to kiss him. He wants to taste the smile on Wonjae’s lips. He wants, and he wants, and he wants, but he just smiles back and knocks his foot into Wonjae’s shin before pushing himself up to his feet to head for the kitchen. He needs to get away because if he stays for a moment longer, he’ll do something he regrets.

-.-

“Wonjae said he’s not going to speak to me for at least a week.”

Sunghwa’s voice sounds extra whiny when he has to project it loud enough for Jaebeom to hear on the other side of the otherwise empty gym. He’s doing curls while Jaebeom jogs on a treadmill.

“You’re the one that got all weird about him not knowing, don’t blame me for your actions,” Jaebeom says.

“I didn’t even know what I said back then was still bothering you that much.”

Jaebeom doesn’t dignify that with a response, just puts his earphones in and turns his music up. When he glances at Sunghwa out of the corner of his eye, he can see Sunghwa looking at him in the mirror, his expression pinched up with something like hurt and Jaebeom would sigh if he wasn’t running. If anything, his conversations with the others have shown him he and Sunghwa haven’t settled things between them as well as he thought.

They finish their workouts and part ways to use separate bathrooms to clean up. Jaebeom spends a lot of time staring at his reflection in the mirror after, taking in his appearance in a way he hasn’t before. Wonjae says he’s never hated his own appearance. He’s never felt insecure about his body, or at least that’s what he says, although he says he likes it more with tattoos on it. When he looks in the mirror, he feels irritated now. He’s always been proud of how good he looks. He maintains his skin and muscles with an almost religious fervor, all of it born of his desperate need to be bigger and more stereotypically masculine than he actually is.

With his newfound revelations, he feels…pathetic looking at himself. It’s hard not to see what people who hate him see – an insecure man with a chip on his shoulder, desperate to prove that he’s bigger than he is. How much of that came from his upbringing and how much of it came from what Sunghwa had said to him years ago he isn’t sure. It’s not as if the people who hate him are right, at least, not entirely. They don’t know where his insecurity comes from, or what he’s insecure about. They throw the insult out there because it’s an insult, and everyone is insecure about something so it’s always going to be partially true.

He’s never really thought they were right until recently. Until his own insecurity made him blind to how fucking head over heels in love with Wonjae he is. If it can be called loved. Infatuation feels more accurate when he considers the way his stomach flips and his heart pounds and his blood pumps faster. So where did all of that leave him?

It’s not like he’s going to stop working out. It’s something he does genuinely like to do, even if perhaps it started from him doing his best to become as masculine as possible. Being more comfortable with his sexuality shouldn’t mean giving up his hobbies. But…maybe he could explore things a little more. Sexually and when it came to his hobbies. Maybe he can try things he’s always avoided before for fear of looking too soft, too feminine, too submissive, too…gay.

He wonders how Wonjae and Minho both have been able to be so casually comfortable with…everything. Wonjae exudes masculinity even if he isn’t out lifting weights and talking about how much loves women in his lyrics. His presence is heavy and domineering, at least until he smiles. Jaebeom’s never had that. His demeanor has always fed into how slight his frame is, a feedback loop of delicate and nice, attributes always filtered as feminine.

He wonders how much and how long the shame of every move he’s made has choked him.

When he heads out to the living room once he’s pulled on some track pants and a t-shirt, Sunghwa is sprawled out on his couch scrolling through his phone, frowning up at whatever he’s looking at. He sets his phone down on his chest when Jaebeom walks in.

“Hey,” Jaebeom says.

Sunghwa sits up, patting the space next to him with one hand and then shoving his phone in his pocket with the other. Jaebeom collapses back into the seat next to him and lets Sunghwa settle an arm around his shoulders.

“So…I guess we’re talking,” Sunghwa says. “It’s been what….six years? Better late than never.”

Jaebeom leans into his weight, closing his eyes as he thinks over what he wants to say. “I really didn’t think it was still bothering me. I would’ve told you if I knew.”

"Yeah, I know,” Sunghwa says. He rests his cheek on top of Jaebeom’s head, and all Jaebeom can think about is how if he were a girl, this would look normal. But he’s not a girl. There’s nothing girly about leaning into a friend like this, and he’s comfortable, so he’s not going to be weird about it. “Why’d it come up now?”

Why indeed? He thinks of what he and Sunghwa had talked about before, how it was fine for the both of them to be close to Wonjae because they weren’t like Kiseok. They weren’t attracted to him. But…while Sunghwa isn’t, he is. Sure, Jiho’s pep talk had helped. He’s pretty confident that he’s not the predator he feared he was, but he’s not sure if Sunghwa will see it that way.

“I was trying to figure out why I keep looking at Wonjae so much,” Jaebeom says, voice soft.

“Jaebeom…” The warning note is obvious in Sunghwa’s voice but Jaebeom isn’t surprised.

“I know,” Jaebeom says. “I didn’t realize I was until I really sat down and thought about it and now that I know it’s…really obvious.”

“You can’t,” Sunghwa says. “Being with Kiseok even for a month nearly destroyed him.”

“Calm down, I don’t even know if he feels the same way,” Jaebeom says, leaning back so he can look at Sunghwa.

“And if he does?” Sunghwa asks.

“Then we talk about it,” Jaebeom says with a half shrug. “He’s not a child.”

"You’re his CEO,” Sunghwa says. “Like, I’m glad you’re all…liberated now or whatever-“

The tone and the words combined make Jaebeom jerk out of Sunghwa’s grasp, his stomach rolling at the derision. Sunghwa swears as if realizing his own tone a moment later.

“I’m not fucking mad at you for liking a guy, I’m mad at you for liking Wonjae,” Sunghwa says, leaning forward on his knees and running his fingers through his own wet hair. “He doesn’t need someone else dumping their crisis on him because he’s…he’s got more experience and a healthier relationship with his own fucking identity than you or Kiseok ever will.”

The words sting, but Jaebeom can’t really deny the truth of them. Kiseok had been drawn to Wonjae because Wonjae seemed like he had his shit together and Kiseok wanted someone to lean on relentlessly. For him, Wonjae is how he wishes he could be. He’s confident of the fact that he’s a man regardless of his sexuality. It’d be easy for him to be just like Kiseok, seeking guidance from someone far younger than him when if anything it should be the other way around.

He thinks of the conversation they’d had on that subway in New York City. The way Wonjae had told him he was scared that Jaebeom just saw him as a way to learn how to be more comfortable with himself. If anything, the months that have passed since then have proven that isn’t something that’s happened. Still, Jaebeom gets that it’s a reasonable thing for Sunghwa to fear.

“If we became something, I don’t think it’d turn out like that,” Jaebeom says after a moment.

“He’s not your learning curve to be a better person, and I’m tired of people treating him that way,” Sunghwa says. “That’s all. I’m not…” He leans back so he can look at Jaebeom properly, his gaze just as hurt as before. “I don’t think you’re less of a man than I am, okay? That’s not it at all.”

“I don’t see Wonjae as my teacher or my therapist, I promise you,” Jaebeom says. “And Wonjae isn’t even the point of this conversation anyways. The point was that the shit you said to me back then made me so fucking scared of being attracted to men I didn’t…let myself be attracted to them.”

“Is that really an issue?” Sunghwa asks and when Jaebeom opens his mouth he rushes to continue. “No, I mean like, you always said. You wanted to settle down with a girl because it’d be easier, so why does it matter if you know what it feels like to be attracted to men?”

“I mean, I guess, practically it doesn’t but I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to be so fucking uptight,” Jaebeom says. “And also…” He thinks of Jiho and Minho, thinks of the way they find moments to be together whenever they can, thinks of how despite everything that went wrong they’ve come out the other side and are planning to stay together no matter what happens. “I don’t know. Maybe…I wouldn’t mind settling down with a guy if that’s what happened.”

Sunghwa looks away from him then, a frown on his face as he leans back on his knees again. “I…I guess when you say that, I get what you mean by what I said back then still affecting you. It really made you not even consider men as a possibility even if you were attracted to them, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says, and it’s a relief to say it even though it hurts. “It did. Like…a lot. I don’t think you’re the only one to blame for how I feel about this shit, but you definitely play a big role.”

Sunghwa shakes his head. “I’m sorry. Fuck, Jaebeom, I’m so sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Jaebeom says, shifting closer and knocking their knees together. “I know you didn’t mean it back then, and you were just upset and shit, but when you apologized back then it didn’t mean the same thing it does now.”

“I didn’t realize how much it cut you back then,” Sunghwa says.

Jaebeom slings an arm around Sunghwa’s shoulders and after a moment of hesitation, presses a kiss to his temple. “You’re still one of my best friends, you know that?”

“Your heart is too fucking big,” Sunghwa says even as he turns into Jaebeom’s arms and hugs him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

It’s nice to be able to say the words without feeling a shred of insecurity.

-.-

Jaebeom doesn’t act on his feelings. There’s no reason to as far as he’s concerned. Despite Sunghwa’s fears, Jaebeom can’t imagine a world where he and Wonjae would actually end up together. Maybe he’s just out of practice, but he’s pretty sure his feelings aren’t reciprocated. He doesn’t mind keeping them to himself. There’s no reason to burden Wonjae with it.

That’s all fine until Wonjae kisses him.

They’re at Wonjae’s apartment midway through November, listening to a few rough tracks that Wonjae had started making for a new album. He’s sitting on the couch next to Wonjae, one of his cats in his lap as he lights a joint and raises it to his lips. Wonjae leans over. Jaebeom thinks he’s going to tap his regular cigarette into the ashtray, but instead he sets it down and then his fingers are curling around Jaebeom’s wrist and drawing his hand away from his mouth.

Jaebeom smiles, turning his head to ask Wonjae what he’s doing only to have Wonjae press their lips together. He’s aware of his hand dangling over the ashtray, Wonjae’s fingers soft on the inside of his wrist, and more than that he’s aware of the slight tremor in Wonjae’s grip. It reminds him of Minho, years ago, shaking and crying in his lap after Jiho pushed him away again. He swallows, his lips moving against Wonjae’s.

Then he shuts his eyes and lets Wonjae kiss him again. He drops the blunt in the ashtray and turns his body into Wonjae as his hand goes up to cup Wonjae’s cheek. The cat in his lap grumbles out a noise and jumps away and Wonjae’s tongue slips along his lower lip and he’s gasping as Wonjae’s fingers trail up his forearm. This isn’t like kissing Minho at all. This makes his gut swoop low and his blood roar in his ears.

He opens his eyes as he pulls back, dropping his hand to Wonjae’s shoulder. The last thing he wants to do is pull away, but it’s a selfish desire. He swallows hard and looks up at Wonjae.

“Sorry, I’ve been wanting to do that for like months,” Wonjae says. His cheeks are flushed. He lets go of Jaebeom’s wrist but then his hand drops to Jaebeom’s knee and that’s so much fucking worse. In the background, a distorted track fades into nothing. “I probably should’ve just said something.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jaebeom says around a suddenly dry mouth. “I…this is a really bad idea.”

“I know,” Wonjae says. His hand still hasn’t left Jaebeom’s knee, whether from his own nerves or because he doesn’t actually want to let go Jaebeom can’t tell. “I know you don’t want to be with a man and you’re still like…figuring shit out. I just…it’s been bothering me for a while, keeping it to myself I mean.”

It’s hard to think straight when Wonjae is so close. Wonjae’s always talked about how much he feels like he’s being seen when Jaebeom looks at him, but Jaebeom doesn’t get how Wonjae doesn’t understand he has the same effect on him.

"It’s…uh. Mutual,” Jaebeom says.

“Oh…”

Jaebeom pulls away, looking back towards the ashtray because he can’t keep looking at Wonjae and keep his cool. His palms feel sweaty. A mixture of elation and abject terror leave him feeling sick and grabs his joint. It’s probably bad that his first instinct is to get high so he can calm down, but he takes a drag and then sets it down again as he exhales again.

“I’m trying to be the good person here,” Jaebeom says. “You said you didn’t want to be anyone’s lesson, and I can’t promise that…that’s not gonna happen here.”

“I know,” Wonjae says. “Well. Sort of. I know that you don’t really…that you’re like new to being with another man or whatever, but I don’t know if this is just attraction or something else for me either. I’m…I’m okay with not knowing if this is going to end well.”

Jaebeom can’t help the nervous laugh that escapes him at Wonjae’s words and he takes another drag and closes his eyes tight as he lets it sit in his lungs for longer than he should. He lets it out and drops the blunt back in the tray. “I’m your boss. I’m not Jeong-sik.”

“Yeah, and I know you’d never cancel my contract or something stupid like that because shit didn’t work out between us,” Wonjae says. “I know you well enough to know that. I know you even better than that too.”

He’s right. Jaebeom knows he’s right. “I’m still just trying to wrap my head around you being attracted to me.”

“I think I’ve been a little bit attracted to you from the start, if I’m honest,” Wonjae says. His weight on the couch shifts as he leans back. He doesn’t seem to mind that his own cigarette is abandoned in the tray. “It’s…it’s the way you’ve always seemed to understand me, and you make me feel…like…”

Jaebeom grabs the blunt and passes it over, turning to look as Wonjae takes it and takes a deep drag, blowing it back out towards the ceiling. He passes it back to Jaebeom without looking. Jaebeom sets it back in the tray and watches as Wonjae swallows, gaze still turned up as he gathers his thoughts. After a moment, he looks at Jaebeom again.

“Jeong-sik is easy to be around because he’s like me,” Wonjae says. “I don’t have to lie, or pretend to be happy or pretend to be sad. I can just exist. You’re like that too for me, but not because you’re like me and go through the same shit, but because you just…care.”

"So do Sunghwa and Sungwoo and like-“

Wonjae shakes his head, cutting him off. “No. They care about me in spite of my issues. You…you’ve just always been easy because I feel like there’s very little I could hide from you in the first place even when I tried.”

"You have that effect on me too,” Jaebeom says.

“Maybe that’s why we’re into each other,” Wonjae says.

Jaebeom looks down at the ashtray again. “A few weeks ago, when we were at Sungwoo’s. You shot-gunned with me.”

“Yeah. I was…being selfish,” Wonjae says.

“I wanted to kiss you.”

“I could tell,” Wonjae says. “I…” He swallows loud enough for Jaebeom to hear. “I got off thinking about the way you looked at me then.”

“Jesus.” Arousal hits him hard and how the fuck he didn’t realize how into Wonjae he’s been is beyond him. Repression is a hell of a drug he guesses.

“Sorry. Should’ve…” Wonjae trails off and the air feels tense with his anxiety.

“It wasn’t too much information,” Jaebeom says, reaching to the side and back to squeeze Wonjae’s knee. “I’m just trying to be responsible.”

“Oh…” Wonjae leans forward and grabs the joint again. “I wouldn’t mind being a little…irresponsible. Maybe.”

Jaebeom is pretty sure they should talk more about this first. He hears Wonjae inhale behind him and leans back, turning back into Wonjae’s space and closing his eyes when Wonjae’s lips press to his. He inhales the smoke. Wonjae drops the blunt back in the tray and leans into him, his lips anything but a tease this time. The smoke spills out between their lips and Jaebeom wants to kiss him forever.

When he’s gotten laid in the past, he didn’t kiss much. Sometimes he would, but it was never the focus. There were more important things to do, other connections to make, but kissing feels less like a physical connection and more like an emotional one, at least, to him it does. Maybe he’s just a sap, a romantic. Whatever. He wants to be romantic with Wonjae. That doesn’t seem so irresponsible.

They kiss until their lips are swollen and Wonjae’s face is splotchy with a flush and his fingers are curled in Jaebeom’s shirt. Jaebeom thinks he’s too old to feel like a teenager, but he does now. He feels giddy. The terror from before melts under Wonjae pushing him back into the couch backrest as he slides into his lap, more graceful than Jaebeom would assume he was capable of. But then, he’s worked really hard not to think about Wonjae in a sexual way at all.

Now that he has him in his lap, he finds the lust hard to ignore, and with it, the guilt. Wonjae’s lips press to his jaw and he tilts his head back, willing his body to relax enough to enjoy it, wanting the feeling that had come to him when they were kissing to come back. It remains stubbornly at a distance. It’s embarrassing. It makes him feel old again.

“Wait,” he says, and he hates how rough his own voice sounds.

Wonjae stops, but he rests his head against the curve of Jaebeom’s neck, nose brushing against his sensitive skin as he exhales. His fingers are still curled tight in Jaebeom’s shirt. “Too fast?”

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says. “Sorry I…this why this is a bad idea. I have no…” He lets out a sigh and cups the back of Wonjae’s neck, thumb rubbing at his hairline. “I have no idea how to do this shit and not feel like the world is ending.”

"I don’t mind teaching you,” Wonjae says, leaning back to look Jaebeom in the eyes.

The words make everything in Jaebeom shrivel up, the terror creeping back in. “I don’t want to do that to you. It’s not your job to teach me how to get over my own fucking baggage.”

“I know it isn’t,” Wonjae says, his tone easy and nonchalant. Like he hadn’t nearly lost himself trying to teach Kiseok how to be a better person. “But Jaebeom…you never arrive, you know that right?”

“Arrive at what?” Jaebeom asks.

“I mean you’re never going to wake up one day and be like ‘oh nice, I’m totally cool with how this guy gets my dick hard’,” Wonjae says, an easy smile on his lips. “If you spend your whole life refusing to date a guy because you’re waiting to suddenly be more okay with liking guys, you’re never going to date a guy.”

Which…Jaebeom can’t really argue with that. But… “I don’t want to hurt you because I don’t have my shit together.”

“I can protect myself,” Wonjae says. “I know how to do that now. I know…I know shit with me and Kiseok got all fucked up, but you and him are nothing alike. How I feel about you is nothing like how I felt about him.”

Jaebeom leans forward, resting his forehead against Wonjae’s chest and sighing when Wonjae wraps his arms around him, one over his shoulders and the other curling around his head. The affection he gives has always been so easy. Despite everything, with the people he was close with, Wonjae doled out physical affection with great zeal. He thinks about how many of Wonjae’s lyrics in the early days were cries for comfort, begging and pleading for someone to give him space to heal.

“Do I bring you peace?” he asks, his voice a mumble.

“Yeah,” Wonjae says. “You do.”

He lets out a breath and then raises his head up, kissing Wonjae’s chin in a simple gesture that’s incredibly difficult to pull off when anxiety is filling every inch of his body. “Okay. Let’s try it.”

Wonjae smiles down at him and Jaebeom feels his chest crack wide open at the joy he sees there.

-.-

Jaebeom draws his jacket tighter around his shoulders before jamming his hands under his armpits to try and keep them warm. Dating Wonjae is…an experience. It’s nothing like dating women. For one, they’re only able to be out to their friends. For two, Wonjae’s idea of a date is…this. This being him waiting in the dark at a parking lot near the edge of the city proper and approaching a suburb. There’s no one around really on account of it being close to eleven at night.

He pulls out his phone, fully intending on messaging Wonjae, but a moment later he hears the rumble of an engine. When he looks down the street, he sees Wonjae’s car. He pulls into the nearest spot before killing the engine and hopping out with a smile on his face. Jaebeom can feel a smart remark on the tip of his tongue about being left in the cold. He knows it's just nerves though. It’s not like he actually minds waiting, he’s just…terrified. Wonjae hops out of the front seat and smiles as Jaebeom approaches him and then leads him back around to the trunk.

“Hey,” he says as he opens it, revealing a couple different skateboards and at least five other pairs of shoes scattered throughout the space. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you skate if you don’t want to.”

Jaebeom shrugs. “Nah, it’s good. It’ll warm me up.”

Wonjae grabs a pair of green and white sneakers out and drops them on the pavement, kicking his own shoes off and cramming his feet in the other ones. He passes a scuffed and plain board to Jaebeom and then grabs one with an intricate neon green and black design for himself before tossing his old shoes inside and slamming the truck shut. A press of the button locks it and then he turns to Jaebeom.

“Wanna try skating there?” Wonjae asks.

“Where even is there?” Jaebeom asks. Even as he speaks, he tosses the board to the ground and steps onto it, giving a tentative push forward and swearing when he wobbles as he tries to catch his balance.

“It’s not far,” Wonjae says. “There’s a skate park around the corner.”

“You trying to show off?” Jaebeom asks, earning himself a nudge of Wonjae’s elbow to his side as he tries to move forward. He slips off the board and hops back on a moment later with a laugh. “I guess anything you do is showing off in comparison to me.”

“It’s not like that,” Wonjae says. With Jaebeom’s slow and careful pace, he keeps stride with him easily enough by walking. It means Jaebeom can grab his shoulder for balance as he pushes himself forward with unsteady motions. “These places usually don’t get a lot of traffic at night, so I thought it’d be a good way to hang out and do something fun that isn’t laying around our apartments or working out.”

“You’re starting to get some muscle finally,” Jaebeom says, reaching out to squeeze Wonjae’s bicep through his dark grey hoodie.

Wonjae snorts and then tugs him along to turn to the right and follow along a fence that leads to the skate park. There’s a chain drawn across the entrance, more a suggestion than a rule. Wonjae ducks under it and Jaebeom does the same.

“You’re like a delinquent skater boy corrupting the good church girl,” Jaebeom jokes as Wonjae leads him across the dips and ramps to the far end of the skate park.

Wonjae turns to face him, walking backwards as he does so. There’s still enough light from the streetlamps to see his face, and there’s a wry smile twisting at his lips. “Should I be concerned that you see yourself as a church girl?”

Jaebeom rolls his eyes. “I appreciate you looking out for my fragile masculinity, but that wasn’t why I said it.”

“Just checking,” Wonjae says. “Also, you’re kind of right. I am corrupting you, encouraging you to become a law breaker.” As if they hadn’t smoked a bowl with Sungwoo and Sohee three days ago.

“I doubt the cops are gonna get called on us for this of all things,” Jaebeom says.

Wonjae stops at a bench and sets his board on it. “Alright. Ready to learn?”

"For real?” Jaebeom asks.

"Yup,” Wonjae says. “Unless you’re chicken?”

“Hell no.”

Which is how he ends up with Wonjae walking him through the basics of how to hold his knees and feet as he rocks back and forth between some easy ramps. He falls a few times, but Wonjae has no issue keeping pace with him even on foot. Somehow, he always manages to catch Jaebeom enough to stop him from falling on his face. At some point, he pulls out one of his cameras and snaps a few photos as Jaebeom does his best not to wipe out on the small dips. It’s certainly not as easy as he thought it would be.

It helps to have Wonjae egg him on. It’s not like his competitive nature is a secret, and Wonjae seems to have no issue pushing him to do better. Eventually, when Jaebeom is panting from exertion and sweating even in the cold air, he gives Jaebeom a break. He takes Wonjae’s camera from him and takes photos of Wonjae skating with ease across the ramps and rails, even doing a few low jumps and small tricks once he has some good momentum built up. It’s not a hobby that Jaebeom’s ever kept up on or asked about.

It’s not that he doesn’t care about his friends’ hobbies, it’s just skating has seemed to be a thing Wonjae reserves for his old friends. Non-industry friends. Jaebeom thinks he gets why Wonjae wanted this to be a date for them. It’s a way of stating intent, a gesture without words. It’s different from how plain and straight forward Wonjae tends to be about everything else. Maybe he’s not the only romantic.

By the time they’re walking back towards Wonjae’s car, boards tucked under their arms as Wonjae flips through the photos on the camera, there’s almost a hundred of them. They’re the style Wonjae likes - low resolution thanks to the flash and the dark and the uneven lighting from the streetlamps. Jaebeom leans into him as they walk. There’s a lot of pictures of Wonjae smiling.

“Can you send some of those to me?” Jaebeom asks.

“Sure, once I have them on my computer,” Wonjae says. “These…I’m not going to post them anywhere.”

They come to a stop at Wonjae’s car, standing in front of the trunk as they face each other. Jaebeom looks at him, frowning.

"You could,” Jaebeom says. “I’m not embarrassed to be seen hanging out with you and to anyone else, that’s all this looks like.”

The photos don’t tell the emotional weight of what they’re doing. They don’t convey the odd energy in the air that makes Jaebeom want to lean into Wonjae’s presence, or the way his heart seems to beat a little faster at every smile and laugh he draws out of Wonjae.

“It’s more than that though,” Wonjae says. He opens the trunk and tosses his board inside. “And maybe I want to keep our dates to myself.”

Jaebeom blinks, a little thrown by the casual possessiveness. Wonjae takes the board from him and sets that in the trunk as well before stepping back and shutting the trunk door. “You’re not very good at sharing are you?”

Wonjae lets out a short laugh as he looks at Jaebeom. “Nah, not really. But I get if you have to flirt with women or whatever to keep your image up. Hop on in. I’ll give you a ride back to yours, yeah?”

“Sure…” Jaebeom walks around to the passenger side, turning over Wonjae’s words in his head as he does so. “You…you wouldn’t like it though, would you? If I flirted with other people to keep up appearances or whatever.”

“I mean, not really, but I get that you feel like you have to do that,” Wonjae says as he does his seatbelt and then gets the keys in the ignition.

“I don’t,” Jaebeom says, unable to help but feel a little defensive. “I’m in my thirties. I can’t keep up the party playboy image forever anyways, so I…I don’t want to hurt you. I can stop.”

Wonjae turns the car on and cranks the heat up, expression unreadable as he does so. “I just know your image is important to you.”

“So are you. Dating or not, you’re important to me,” Jaebeom says, chest feeling tight. “I’m not gonna pretend I’m single, even if I can’t be open about us to the whole world or anything. I wouldn’t…that’d be really fucked up.”

A sigh blows out between Wonjae’s lips and he sneaks a look up at Jaebeom. “That’s…thanks.”

It bothers him that Wonjae thinks his own emotional well-being wasn’t as important as Jaebeom’s carefully cultivated image. He can’t really blame anyone but himself for that though. The way he built AOMG, the way he branded himself and the label for the first few years, and the way he still branded himself when he performed, it’s all rather dependent on a lie.

“Hey Wonjae?”

Wonjae hums a noise to indicate he’s listening as he pulls out onto the road.

“Thanks for taking me here with you,” Jaebeom says. “I like stuff like this. Stuff not…centered on clubs or partying and shit.”

“Oh. Yeah, I know,” Wonjae says, sparing a quick glance at him. “I know you’re more than your persona.”

He says it like it’s obvious. Jaebeom isn’t sure how to say that for far too long, he’s felt like he hasn’t been able to relax into who he is. He oscillates so hard between being honest about who he is and then covering it all up with as much masculine and heterosexual imagery as he possibly can. The fact that Wonjae has no issue just brushing it all aside…it’s terrifying and liberating all at once.

Wonjae kisses him in the parking garage of his apartment complex, out of view of CCTV. His fingers, rough with callouses, brush against the side of Jaebeom’s neck with a tender strength that Jaebeom can’t help but lean into. It makes him anxious how easily Wonjae does things like this. He kisses him because he wants to. He takes him on dates to a skate park and takes pictures with him because he wants to, not a care about how those actions might look to anyone other than Jaebeom.

Jaebeom knows the self-loathing that lurks inside him. He knows how much Wonjae struggles with it, how sometimes it sweeps up and swallows him whole and he needs his friends to help him feed his cats and eat and shower. But his sexuality…that’s never been a reason he’s hated himself. He seems to take joy in it. Jaebeom hopes one day they can kiss and he won’t feel an undercurrent of terror. The look Wonjae gives him when they part makes it clear he knows what’s going through Jaebeom’s head, but he doesn’t seem offended.

“See you later,” he says.

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says with a short nod. “Don’t forget to send me the pictures, okay?”

Wonjae smiles, soft and small. “Of course.”

-.-

Sungwoo hands Jaebeom the USB with the tracks he wants him to participate in and then turns back towards his computer, closing out his music software before locking the computer and turning towards him. Jaebeom shoves the USB in his pocket.

“It sounds good, what you have,” Jaebeom says. “Who else were you thinking for this track?”

“Mmm, I’ve been bothering Siyoung about being on this as a rapper,” Sungwoo says. “Wonjae already agreed to do it as well. Perhaps you can work together.”

Jaebeom rolls his eyes. “You know, we already do see each other outside work related things, you don’t have to set up excuses for us to hang out with each other. We’ve been managing just fine.”

“Maybe this is just my way of saying I approve,” Sungwoo says. He spins side to side in his studio chair as he puts his hands in his pockets and smiles, looking smug.

“What’s that look for?” Jaebeom asks.

“Don’t you remember when you were drunkenly asking me why you kept looking at Wonjae?” Sungwoo asks, grin stretching wider.

Jaebeom groans and slumps back to lean against the studio door, knocking the back of his head against it. “Why does everyone take pleasure in how fucking repressed I am?”

“That…” Sungwoo sounds hesitant and Jaebeom truly wonders how the fuck Wonjae manages to be so exposed and vulnerable all the time. How does he risk everyone around him making him the butt of a joke? “Jaebeom, that’s not what I’m smiling about. I’m not happy about how you were repressed. I’m happy that you and Wonjae have each other.”

“We’ve been dating for a few weeks, relax,” Jaebeom says. He hates the way his chest feels tight. He wants to not be attracted to Wonjae, he wants to not date him. He wants to set the budding relationship on fire to escape the shame, but he thinks he wants to make Wonjae smile more. He wants to chase the moments of euphoria when the guilt and terror isn’t dragging him down while they kiss. “We probably won’t even last.”

“Do you mean that or are you just trying to act cool?” Sungwoo asks.

“I mean I guess I mean it,” Jaebeom says. “I…every fucking time we kiss, I feel like…terrified.”

"Of what?” Sungwoo asks with a frown.

Jaebeom slides his gaze back up to the ceiling, unable to look him in the eye. “I…I don’t know. It’s like I feel guilty and scared all at once. Like…like if I enjoy it, that means I’m…”

Sungwoo doesn’t finish the sentence with a guess. Silence hangs between them and Jaebeom wonders what the fuck has happened in the last year to make his life go from him taking care of everyone to needing everyone to take care of him.

“You have an odd idea of masculinity,” Sungwoo says after almost a minute passes without Jaebeom finishing his own sentence. “You seem to fear that if Wonjae touches you and you enjoy it, everyone will stop taking you seriously even if they know nothing about what the two of you do. Am I correct?”

“I…yeah. It’s like that,” Jaebeom says. Sungwoo’s put it into words far easier than he could’ve.

“Sounds like a pretty horrible way to live,” Sungwoo says. “To be afraid of love and the things that come with it.”

Jaebeom can’t help the bitter laugh that escapes him at that. “Yeah, obviously. That doesn’t make me less afraid of it all.” He groans as he covers his face with his hands, dragging them down his face as if that will help clear his muddied thoughts. “I never should’ve agreed to date him. This is too much mess to put on his lap.”

“You know, Wonjae told me something similar when he was dating Jeong-sik,” Sungwoo says. “I won’t tell you what exactly it was about, because frankly it’s none of your business, but I’ll give you the same advice I gave him. If you want to cut off a relationship with someone because you think you don’t deserve them, or you think you’re too much of a burden, you’re making a bad decision and I’d caution you to rethink it.”

“I shouldn’t be a burden at all,” Jaebeom says, finally making himself meet Sungwoo’s gaze. “I can’t put my own fucking sexuality crisis on Wonjae’s plate. It’s not fair to him.”

“We can’t solve our issues in isolation,” Sungwoo says. “Maybe it’s that American individualism in you that makes you think you must.”

“It’s not that,” Jaebeom says. “Or well, it’s not that main thing if it is. I’m just trying not to be Kiseok.”

“Kiseok wanted a distraction and said whatever pretty words he needed to get that and then it backfired in his face and tore both of them apart,” Sungwoo says. “What you seem to be wanting is a perfectly normal thing to want from a romantic partner. Intimacy is difficult for everyone, well, most everyone. Wanting your partner to help you be more comfortable with that isn’t unfairly burdening anyone, it’s merely asking for support.”

"Wonjae doesn’t seem to have trouble letting people in,” Jaebeom says, hating how petulant he sounds.

"Wonjae went most of his life stifling his need for comfort until he had no choice but to beg for it from everyone on stage during a reality television show,” Sungwoo says, voice sharp. 

It’s a helpful reminder. Jaebeom remembers their first conversation and the way Wonjae had all but begged for Jaebeom not to call him strong for displaying his vulnerabilities so publicly. He’d said it was an act of desperation and weakness. He hadn’t really understood it then, but he thinks maybe he does now. In many ways, he aches for the same thing. His burdens are different, but all he wants is to be able to ask for intimacy and the vulnerability that comes with that without being shunned or shamed. He wants it so much it makes him feel weak and scared.

“I see you get it now,” Sungwoo says. “You’re such an open book sometimes, truly.”

Jaebeom doesn’t even try to fight the flush he can feel creeping up his neck. “Thanks though. I guess I needed someone to remind me I’m not like…that my affection isn’t predatory.”

“It’s not,” Sungwoo says. “And as someone who frankly cares more about Wonjae’s well-being than yours, I would not hesitate to point out or act if I felt something was amiss. The only reason I didn’t with Kiseok was because my friendship with Wonjae was still far too new for me to think I could be trusted passing such judgments.”

“So what do I do?”

“You talk to Wonjae,” Sungwoo says. “You tell him what you’re afraid of, and you work together to figure out how to…not be afraid.”

“You make it sound simple and easy,” Jaebeom says.

“It may not be easy, but it is straight forward,” Sungwoo says. “Give yourself some credit.”

-.-

Jaebeom tries to give himself some credit. He invites himself over to Wonjae’s when he knows he’ll be home. They’re midway through December, and they’ve each been working on lyrics together and with Siyoung for Sungwoo’s song in a shared document on their phones, but between Wonjae’s radio show and Jaebeom’s seemingly endless commitments, they haven’t had time to meet. Not even for a small midnight date at a skate park. He’d rather do that than talk to Wonjae about his…terror.

It feels like too strong of a word to use for what he feels. It’s made worse by the fact that it’s so god damn irrational, born of nothing more than rampant insecurity pumping up a relatively normally fear into something…like this. He says as much to Wonjae as he paces in front of the couch. He never thought he’d be in a position like Jiho, and yet that seems to have been what the last six months have been for him.

"You know this would be an easier conversation if you actually told me what it is you’re afraid of,” Wonjae says.

Jaebeom looks at him where he’s stretched out on the couch, wrapped in a too large hoodie that he’s pretty sure is his. He must’ve stole it out of Jaebeom’s bag when they were at the studio together. He’s not even mad about it – it’s kind of adorable and it makes his gut clench with a feeling like affection to see Wonjae like that. The terror chases the pleasant feeling like a sour tasting shot when he least expects it.

"I’m…” Jaebeom stops and stares at Wonjae, a feeling of helplessness he’s far from familiar with swamping him. “I’m going to sound so stupid.”

“That’s how I feel literally most of the time I open my mouth,” Wonjae says. “I promise nothing you say is gonna make me think you’re being stupid.”

Ami crawls out from under the couch and nudges the hand Wonjae has dangling over the edge. She rubs against his hand for a few moments before retreating again.

“I’m afraid that somehow everything I’ve worked for is going to vanish if I enjoy you touching me,” Jaebeom says.

Wonjae looks at him and Jaebeom has to fight the instinct to look away. He can’t help but hate sometimes how exposed he feels under Wonjae’s gaze, the joy of being seen constantly at war with the fear of the same thing.

"I’m pretty invested in you feeling good when I touch you,” Wonjae says after a moment. “Is this still about what Sunghwa told you? The thing about you being a girl because you enjoy having sex with guys?”

“I don’t know,” Jaebeom says. “A little bit.”

Wonjae sits up and then pats the couch next to him and after a moment of hesitation, Jaebeom sits down next to him. “So walk me through this. We have a good time, I make you feel good, and then what happens? Where’s the fear?”

Jaebeom blows out a harsh breath and looks up at the ceiling even as Wonjae grabs his hand, lacing their fingers together in a show of support. It takes a moment for him not to pull away. The instinct to be strong, to be a man on his own, is powerful, but he tries to think of this as an exercise in doing the shit he’s afraid of. He holds Wonjae’s hand and thinks.

“It’s like…I enjoy it, right. And everything I’ve been fighting for crumbles because it depends on the image I’ve created, and I don’t just mean the partying, or sleeping around, or whatever, I feel like…my whole identity is wrapped up in this idea of what being a man is and enjoying…that…” Jaebeom stops, because what is he, a middle school aged boy? “Enjoying having sex with guys I mean. Doing that isn’t compatible with manhood in my mind, so if I enjoy it, then it’s going to change me in a way that will destroy everything I’ve worked for.”

“Sounds like your idea of manhood is pretty shitty,” Wonjae says. “But also…you know having sex with me doesn’t require you being fucked right? Like…sex doesn’t require penetration of anything if you don’t want it to be.”

Jaebeom frowns, dropping his head back down to look at Wonjae. “What?”

He feels like he’s being stupid, but Wonjae doesn’t look at him like he’s being an idiot. The expression on his face is neutral, calm. As if it’s easy to just have conversations about shit like this with someone he’s just started seeing, although maybe it is since his last two boyfriends have been people he’s friends with. He doesn’t see Jaebeom as one night stand or a small fling. There’s a reason he’s here working through Jaebeom’s anxiety while holding his hand and not blowing him off.

“I mean, if you wanna just make out and maybe touch each other a little bit and that’s it, that’s fine,” Wonjae says. “There’s no rush. I’m cool with whatever you want to do.”

“But you’re like…” Jaebeom has to stop again because he isn’t sure how to articulate his thoughts properly. “More…if people looked at us, they’d probably assume you’re topping because you’re more like…masculine.”

“I barely work out, you’re in the gym every day,” Wonjae says.

“Yeah, because I’m fucking insecure,” Jaebeom says.

“I think who is considered more masculine between the two of us would really depend on who you ask,” Wonjae says. “And besides that, who cares what people think about our sex life? I like bottoming and topping. My preferences don’t have anything to do with how much of a man I am either, and even if it did, it’s not like I’m going around in interviews talking about it and I doubt you will either.”

Jaebeom can’t help but snort at the idea. Coming out publicly would be a literal disaster even if he never dated a man. Wonjae did make a good point though. How could his career be ruined by people thinking he was less of a man if no one knew what he and Wonjae did in the privacy of their own bedrooms with each other? If no one knew what he liked and enjoyed?

“I don’t know how to not be afraid of it, no matter how much logic you throw at me,” Jaebeom says.

“Oh, I know,” Wonjae says. “I try to logic my way out of my anxiety all the time and it never really works, but it is helpful to acknowledge that the thing you’re afraid of can’t really happen. As far as your comfort level with me touching you though…that just takes practice. At your own pace, whenever you’re ready.”

"You really don’t mind waiting?” Jaebeom asks. “Like…”

Wonjae shakes his head. “Why would I mind? I can jack off by myself you know.”

Jaebeom swallows, his mouth and throat feeling painfully dry as his mind loops not with anxiety but the image of Wonjae on his bed with a hand around his dick, or maybe fingering himself, or both. From the small smile on Wonjae’s lips, he knows his thought process must be showing on his face. He’s too absorbed in it to hide it and when Wonjae’s thumb rubs against the back of his hand, goosebumps rush up his arm.

“Whatever pace you want,” Wonjae says.

“I…” Jaebeom looks down at Wonjae’s lips. He thinks of how if Wonjae was a woman, he’d just lean forward and kiss her because he’s never had an issue being forward about what he wants with a woman. He takes a breath and leans forward. He presses their lips together because he wants to. Fear claws at his throat but he kisses Wonjae anyways.

The thing is, Wonjae is a good kisser. He’s kissed women that are good kissers too, but he’s naturally gravitated towards submissive women, women who want him to take control and take charge. Wonjae doesn’t let him do that. He wraps a hand around the back of Jaebeom’s neck and kisses with an intensity and passion that makes Jaebeom feel overwhelmed. It reminds him of how Wonjae told him he wants nothing more than to be comforted, and touched, and loved.

He shoves his fear away and hauls Wonjae into his lap, smiling at the breathless laugh his strength earns him. His mind turns back to what Wonjae had said about masculinity. Wonjae controls the pace of their kiss, but Jaebeom is the one that has the physical strength. That perspective makes it easier to relax into it, to let Wonjae press him into the back of the couch and run his tongue along Jaebeom’s lower lip until he opens his mouth.

Wonjae kisses softly. He’s forward but gentle all the same, not demanding. Jaebeom sucks at his lower lip, the arousal that has sat low in his gut since Wonjae mentioned jacking off burning hotter when Wonjae makes a soft noise of approval. He brings his hand up to Wonjae’s hip, grabbing for a moment before sliding his thumb up under the fabric of the hoodie to brush along Wonjae’s hip. He feels Wonjae shiver against him at the teasing touch. He hears and feels him gasp, open mouthed, against his own lips before he pushes back in for another kiss.

Every time the fear starts to rise up in his chest again, Jaebeom grabs at Wonjae as if to remind himself of his own strength. He grabs at his hips, his side, the back of his neck. At one point, he cups the left side of Wonjae’s neck, over the thorn tattoo, and Wonjae goes still in his lap, pressing his forehead to Jaebeom’s as he pants against his lips. When Jaebeom opens his eyes, he sees that Wonjae’s eyes are closed.

He thinks about how now that they’re both still, he hadn’t even noticed the way Wonjae had been shifting in his lap. He hadn’t even noticed that they’d both gotten hard like a couple of teenagers making out in the backseat of their parent’s borrowed car for the first time. It’s obvious now, and he can feel the arousal pumping through his veins.

“Do you like this?” Jaebeom asks.

Wonjae laughs, low in his throat. He shifts again, rolling his hips down and Jaebeom can feel him, can feel how hard his cock is, and his own hands drop to Wonjae’s hips to hold him still so he can catch his own breath.

“Yeah, I fucking like it,” Wonjae says. “I like…I like the way you grab at me. It’s hot.”

Wonjae pulls back as he speaks, eyes opening just barely. The lust is obvious in his gaze, and it’s a look Jaebeom is used to seeing on people’s faces, but it’s never affected him the way it does now. He feels this deep, the urge to kiss Wonjae, to keep going. The fear is still there, but it doesn’t feel as prominent after their conversation. Or maybe he’s just…too in the moment.

Maybe he needs something raw like lust to get him through the fear.

It’s odd, because there’s nothing about Wonjae that Jaebeom associates with the feeling in his veins now. The things he finds attractive in women are nowhere to be found, but he’s desperate to see the expression of pleasure on Wonjae’s face, more so than he’s ever been with a woman. Perhaps that’s what happens when it’s not just a physical attraction. It’s hard to know.

He stops thinking about it and opts for kissing Wonjae again. Maybe, just for a little while, he can stop psychoanalyzing everything about his attraction to Wonjae and just fucking…be attracted.

It’s a good plan, right up until something furry and soft whips right into his cheek. Wonjae goes still against him and Jaebeom pulls back from the kiss, turning his head to see Ami perched along the back of the couch near his shoulder, looking at them both over her shoulder as her tail flicks against his neck and then up to his cheek again. A moment later, Wonjae bursts into laughter, the real genuine kind that always makes Jaebeom’s chest feel warm.

“I think…we should either move somewhere else or call it quits for the night,” Wonjae says. He has a hand braced on Jaebeom’s chest.

“You meant it, right? We don’t have to…”

Wonjae nods. “Whatever you want to do. And only that.”

Jaebeom isn’t quite sure what to do with the odd feeling he’s overcome with by having Wonjae so openly care for him like this. He’s so used to being the one that guides people, makes them comfortable, that he feels out of practice. He feels a little silly. But more than that, he’s just grateful to let someone else be in control for just a little while.

Wonjae slides off his lap and holds his hand out. Jaebeom takes it, let’s Wonjae pull him into another kiss and tug him back towards his bedroom. It’s night time anyways, but with his blackout curtains, there’s not a hint of even the streetlight lamps. Wonjae pulls away long enough to turn a lamp on next to his bed, but that doesn’t do much to light the room, only casting the space in a dim glow.

It makes the kisses feel different as he lets Wonjae drag him down onto bed. It makes it feel more real as he settles between Wonjae’s legs, marveling at the way he allows it so easily, tilts his head to the side and gasps as Jaebeom lets his teeth graze over the ink of his tattoos. Wonjae’s voice in his ear, soft gasps and noises that could be moans if Wonjae let them, drives him to push up a little more, pushing their hips together.

The feel of Wonjae’s arousal against his own even through several layers of fabric makes him bury his forehead against the pillow beside Wonjae’s ear, overwhelmed. He presses a kiss to Wonjae’s ear, then his jaw.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Jaebeom says, voice quiet.

“You gonna freak out if we switch spots?”

"Probably a little,” Jaebeom says with a small laugh.

Even as he says it, he rolls over onto his back, but instead of climbing on top of him, Wonjae just props himself up on his side and reaches his free hand out to rest on top of Jaebeom’s stomach. His fingers creep down, playing with the edges of his shirt. When his fingers press, feather light against Jaebeom’s skin just at the hem of his jeans, Jaebeom can feel his skin twitch.

“Can I touch you?” Wonjae asks.

Jaebeom looks at him. With the lamp behind him, it’s hard to see his expression, but the thing Jaebeom is realizing is that he doesn’t need to. He trusts Wonjae without looking at his expression first. There’s no fear of Wonjae ridiculing him if he enjoys something, not when Wonjae’s been so firm about wanting to see Jaebeom enjoy his touch.

“Where?” he asks.

“Here,” Wonjae says, hand pushing beneath his t-shirt and sliding across his skin.

His touch is different from a woman’s, and Jaebeom really wishes he would stop comparing the two in his mind but he can’t help it. He wants to know what it is about Wonjae’s touch that’s so appealing.

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says, but his voice feels tight.

Wonjae leans in, presses their lips together in a wet kiss and Jaebeom lets his eyes slide shut as Wonjae’s hand continues to rub over his abdomen. It’s borderline ticklish, and he can’t help but tense a little in response. The sensation is odd, the pleasure skittering across his skin and down into his cock. He’s so used to sex being more…straightforward. There’d rarely been much time for foreplay, and if there was, he wasn’t the one on the receiving end of it.

He tilts his head back and gasps as Wonjae’s tongue slides against his, as his dull nails scratch over his abs, the action making his hips jerk up. Wonjae kisses him more, wetter, slips his fingers down to the hem of Jaebeom’s jeans in a tease before sliding his hand back up and pushing his shirt up to reveal more of his abdomen. It’s almost nerve-wracking to have the attention on him like this. It isn’t a show or a performance. Wonjae doesn’t…want that from him. He’s just supposed to enjoy himself.

“Relax already,” Wonjae says, voice light in its teasing as he presses a kiss to Jaebeom’s jaw. “Grab my wrist, yeah?”

Jaebeom swallows and obeys, wrapping his fingers around Wonjae’s slim wrist, whatever his question was dying on a moan as Wonjae sucks at his earlobe, the action sending a jolt of pleasure through him.

“You want me to go anywhere, just move my hand. You want me to move away from somewhere, same thing,” Wonjae whispers against his ear. “That good?”

Jaebeom nods, tight, because he’s pretty sure his voice would crack if he tried to speak. He’s never had pleasure thrum through him like this, low and slow burning, but impossible to ignore or set aside. All from a simple touch.

Wonjae’s hand slides up further again and Jaebeom expects him to move for his nipples, but instead he just drags it back down and presses in for another kiss. Jaebeom feels his own grip on Wonjae’s wrist loosen as he focuses on the kiss, the soft touch of Wonjae’s fingers fading into a fuzzy but pleasant background sensation. He’s never really liked kissing that much before. But it makes sense, he supposes, if his attraction is primarily emotional first. Kissing is intimate the way fucking isn’t, at least, it is to him.

He tightens his grip on Wonjae’s hand and after a moment, drags it down. He doesn’t mean to be predictable, but also it’s becoming impossible to ignore how hard his cock is, and how much he wants someone to touch it. Preferably Wonjae, but at this point he’d happily do it himself. Wonjae doesn’t stop to ask if he’s sure. He thumbs open the button of his jeans and shoves his hand down his boxers, hand warm. Jaebeom grunts, hips thrusting up as Wonjae curls his hand around his cock and gives it a dry stroke.

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” Wonjae says, his own voice sounding unsteady against Jaebeom’s ear as he kisses at his jaw again.

“How is…” Jaebeom cuts himself off, turning his head away from Wonjae as he bites away his self-deprecating words in exchange for arching up into Wonjae’s touch.

Wonjae gets the hint, shoving Jaebeom’s boxers and jeans down enough that he has more room to work with. His strokes are dry but warm, and he gathers the pre-come at the tip to help, but Jaebeom’s always preferred things wetter so he grabs at Wonjae’s wrist and drags his hand up again. Maybe it’s not the smartest move, but Wonjae doesn’t seem to mind when he sucks his fingers into his mouth.

Jaebeom’s never sucked a dick. In his limited experience with men, that hadn’t really been an opportunity, but he takes Wonjae’s fingers into his mouth and the thought hits him that he could do this to Wonjae. Or Wonjae could do this to him. His eyes meet Wonjae’s and he can see the thought crossing Wonjae’s mind as he stares at Jaebeom’s lips. He expects fear to come at the realization. That Wonjae would want him to do that, would think that he’s capable of that, it should scare him. But it doesn’t.

Because he could if he wanted to, or he could never do it, but they can both think about it all they like. He doesn’t have to do anything he’s not ready for, which feels weird for someone his age to have a realization about, but then, he did spend his formative years shaping himself around what was expected of him. Even rebelling against what was expected of him as an idol had been an act spurned on by a response to the way others viewed him.

“Hey, stay with me,” Wonjae says.

His fingers slide out of Jaebeom’s mouth and Jaebeom blinks.

“Sorry,” Jaebeom says. “Just…thinking.”

“I can see that,” Wonjae says. He wraps his hand around Jaebeom’s cock, fingers now suitably wet, and gives a slow stroke. “Would rather you think about me though.”

“I…I can do…that….” Jaebeom turns his head to the side, a moan escaping him.

It’s hard to focus on much of anything else when he’s got Wonjae’s hand around his dick. Wonjae doesn’t kiss him again, instead opting to bite at his neck, gentle and careful not to leave marks but giving enough sensation that Jaebeom finds another soft moan escaping him. He’s never had someone pick him apart with such simple touches. He doesn’t even have his fucking clothes off and he feels like Wonjae has reduced him entirely to just a deep need to chase pleasure.

“Have you thought about me before like this?” Wonjae asks, the low timbre of his voice making something in Jaebeom’s chest turn to mush.

It scares the fuck out of him the way it reminds him so much of his time with Sunghwa and how much he’d enjoyed himself. He finds himself grabbing at Wonjae’s wrist without thinking. Before he can be embarrassed and stutter out an excuse for Wonjae to continue, Wonjae’s already gone still.

“Hey, easy,” Wonjae says. His nose bumps under Jaebeom’s jaw. “What is it?”

“I…” Jaebeom forces himself to let go of Wonjae’s hand. “I like how deep your voice is, that’s all.”

“Ah.”

The way Wonjae says it, the way he presses a kiss to Jaebeom’s fluttering pulse, it’s clear he understands what Jaebeom’s trying to articulate even though he hasn’t said it as explicitly as he should.

“I like that,” Wonjae says, shifting to his lips press closer to Jaebeom’s ear. “I like that my voice turns you on. There’s so much about you that turns me on too.”

“Yeah?” Jaebeom lets go of Wonjae’s wrist, letting his hips roll a little to let Wonjae know it’s okay for him to keep going. It helps, knowing Wonjae is as out of control of his attraction that he is. It’s not an issue of who’s dominant or submissive, who’s masculine or feminine, it’s just two people being turned on by each other for all sorts of reasons.

“Yeah,” Wonjae says. His teeth scrape against Jaebeom’s neck again as he gives Jaebeom’s cock another slow stroke. “I like that you look at me like you see me.”

It’s not the most normal type of dirty talk that Jaebeom is used to but it also fits how his and Wonjae’s relationship seems to be. It’s not based on the physical so much as it is the mental, the emotional. The physical just comes as a result of the rest. Not to say the physical isn’t amazing, because Jaebeom feels like his whole body is lit with pleasure just from Wonjae’s hand on his dick.

He shifts, rolling into Wonjae so that he can press their lips together, the anxiety from a few moments before bleeding away as Wonjae strokes him. One of his hands comes up to cup Wonjae’s jaw, thumb brushing against hist cheek as he gasps. Wonjae bites at his lip and Jaebeom fucks his hips up, driving his cock into Wonjae’s warm grip in quick thrusts as he chases the edge of his orgasm that seems so god damn close. His mouth drops open on a noise that’s too embarrassing to name. Wonjae’s lips slide wet and messy over his cheek, his jaw.

“Yeah, come on, give it up like that, I wanna see it-“

The words spill low and rough from Wonjae’s lips and Jaebeom squeezes his eyes shut tight as he comes, breath escaping him in a rush. He can feel his fingers digging into Wonjae’s shoulder as he jerks in his grip. His come splatters over Wonjae’s hand, over his abdomen. It’s a fucking mess but Jaebeom doesn’t have the energy to be embarrassed any further, flopping onto his back with a rough exhale as his cock twitches.

“Holy fuck,” he manages to choke out as Wonjae tugs at his pants, shifting on the bed to tug them all the way off.

Wonjae sits up and looks down at him, a somewhat shy smile on his face considering what they’d just done together. Jaebeom pushes himself upright, tugging his shirt off and wiping his abdomen off in a move he should definitely be more mature about but hey, clothes can be washed. He tosses his shirt off the bed and presses his lips to Wonjae’s again. They work on Wonjae’s clothes together, pushing off his pants first, his underwear, and then finally pulling up his hoodie and Jaebeom has to stop because…

Because Wonjae is hot and he doesn’t know how to feel about that. He’s not muscled like Jaebeom, but when Jaebeom’s fingers trail over his abdomen, carved over with all sorts of doodlelike tattoos, he finds himself feeling that familiar feeling he gets when he has his hand on the curve of a woman’s hip. It’s…visceral. Physical. It’s lust but without the other emotions involved, and in a way that’s almost comforting, even if terrifying. It’s good to know his attraction, while based in how much he cares about Wonjae, bleeds over into this too. Raw physicality.

“You just gonna keep looking?” Wonjae asks.

Jaebeom rolls his eyes at the teasing, his tense energy mellowing into something easier to bear. “I’m admiring.”

“What’s to admire?” Wonjae asks, but he doesn’t say it in a self-deprecating way. “I’m not in the gym every day like you.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not hot,” Jaebeom says.

He pushes himself between Wonjae’s legs, leaning down over him so he can press their lips together. Wonjae’s cock presses up against his stomach but he ignores it in favor of letting his hands roam over Wonjae’s body everywhere else instead, tracing the lines of his ribs, the jut of his hips, the softer parts of his thighs. Every touch turns him on as much as when he’s touched a woman – more so really, because this isn’t a one-night stand.

“Scared?” Wonjae asks when Jaebeom pulls back to look down at him again.

Jaebeom shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so.”

Wonjae props himself up on his elbows, opening his mouth to speak but it stutters into a moan when Jaebeom sits back on his heels and trails his fingers along the base of Wonjae’s cock and then down over his balls before drawing his hands away. Just…testing the waters. And maybe teasing a little. It’s worth it for the heated look in Wonjae’s eyes.

“You know, I really do like bottoming,” Wonjae says. “I know you think I’m like more masculine or whatever, but bottoming doesn’t have anything to do with that.”

“I know that, like, logically,” Jaebeom says.

Wonjae doesn’t respond for a moment and Jaebeom can see the anxiety in his jaw and shoulders as he realizes he didn’t communicate what he wanted. He rubs his hands along Wonjae’s hips in what he hopes is a comforting motion. It’s hard, when he has so little experience, to remember that Wonjae is younger than him and isn’t always sure of himself either. Their experience lies in different areas.

“I mean…I’m asking if you wanna like…finger me, maybe,” Wonjae says, voice growing increasingly more mumbling with every word as if he’s embarrassed.

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says. “I haven’t done it to another guy before, but I’d…like to try.”

“Okay great,” Wonjae says with a rushing exhale that ends in a small laugh. “I didn’t really think it’d be this hard.”

“Are you nervous about asking me?” Jaebeom asks.

“A little? I…I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Wonjae says.

“This whole thing makes me uncomfortable, but like…in a good way,” Jaebeom says, leaning back down over Wonjae as he speaks. He presses a kiss to his lips, gentle, a reminder. “I’m here because I want to be. Show me what you want.”

So Wonjae does. He grabs lube out of his bedside table and Jaebeom slicks two of his fingers up before pushing one of Wonjae’s thighs open with his other hand and bringing his fingers to his hole. Wonjae reaches down to hold his thigh. It allows Jaebeom to brace one hand on Wonjae’s hip before pressing his fingers inside. His fingers slide right in and Wonjae’s head flops back against the pillow as he lets out a low noise that’s not quite a moan.

“That…was easier than I expected,” Jaebeom says.

His words seem to startle a giggle out of Wonjae and he clenches down around Jaebeom’s fingers as a result. “Yeah, well I’ve been getting off like this a lot lately.”

“Oh?” Jaebeom pushes his fingers in again. It’s different from a cunt, because of course it is, but the general premise is the same he thinks, so he starts with short motions as he thrusts his fingers in. “Thinking about me?” He’s not asking because he wants an ego boost. He’s asking because…he likes listening to Wonjae talk about him, about himself, about sex.

“Yeah…” Wonjae says the word like a sigh, dropping his leg back down and planting his heel in the mattress next to Jaebeom before he rolls his hips down. “I already told you I…touched myself after we shot-gunned.”

“I didn’t realize it was a regularly occurring thing,” Jaebeom says. He matches Wonjae’s rhythm as best he can and finally, they find it together. He stretches his fingers as he pulls them out, and then narrows and crooks them again when Wonjae rolls his hips down, glancing against his prostate every time. He can see sweat starting to break out across Wonjae’s chest. “I wanna watch you sometime”

He looks up, watching as Wonjae covers his eyes with his forearm. He can tell, even in the dim light, how flushed his cheeks are, and it makes him feel accomplished, knowing he’s the one that put that expression there.

“I could now,” Wonjae says, but the words sound choked as Jaebeom rubs his fingers against his prostate, pressing hard and firm against it.

“Nah,” Jaebeom says, the word leaving him in a drawl he knows makes him sound full of himself. But he is. He has Wonjae falling apart beneath him from just his fingers, and knowing he can do that is fucking heady. “I like how I’m making you look.”

“Cocky,” Wonjae says, but it’s a gasp that trails off in a trembling moan. “Fast, go fast.”

Jaebeom fumbles with the lube, drizzling some more over his fingers before thrusting his fingers back in, pumping them quick and hard so they jam up against Wonjae’s prostate every time. Wonjae’s voice climbs up until it cracks on his name, and Jaebeom watches as his cock drools pre-come onto his stomach. He thinks of how he’d nearly come untouched when Sunghwa had fucked him years ago, and he thinks Wonjae must like it even more than he does if he’s this close just from his fingers alone.

It’s…reassuring. Seeing someone else, someone he admires and cares for, enjoy the thing he’s felt so ashamed of without any shame of their own, helps more than he knows how to articulate. Not that he needs to. What he needs to do now is do his best to make Wonjae come. He watches as Wonjae goes tense, one of his hands reaching up to twist in his own hair before relaxing abruptly, like he’s braced for it only to have it slip away.

Jaebeom pauses, drawing his fingers back out, feeling a little guilty when Wonjae’s expression pinches up.

“Hey, relax,” Jaebeom says. “You’re close but I can’t quite get you there like this. What do you want? What would make it good for you?”

Wonjae takes a deep breath and lets his arm flop back to the side as he opens his eyes. “Mmm…you hard again?”

Jaebeom laughs. “Fuck, don’t make me feel old. I absolutely cannot get that hard again that fast, come on.”

Wonjae snorts and kicks Jaebeom’s hip with his heel. “Sorry, sorry. Um…I…”

“Can you even come untouched?” Jaebeom asks.

“Sometimes,” Wonjae says. “But I need it to be like…a lot. Like you have to work me up really fast and hard.”

“Is that how you wanna come?” Jaebeom asks.

Wonjae blinks, propping himself up on his elbows. “I mean…I did. But I guess…you wanna try something?”

“Like what?” Jaebeom asks.

“Like…can I fuck your thighs maybe?”

Jaebeom’s gut reaction is to say no because he doesn’t want to…be like that. But it’s different if there’s nothing actually going in him, it’s just…the submissive thing again. Then again, maybe it could be like practice. An exercise in letting someone touch him like that, enjoy him, dominate him for just a little while.

“Yeah,” he says. “But you’re doing the work.”

Wonjae laughs, but it’s not mean. “Well, yeah, that’s sort of how that works. C’mere.”

They move so that Wonjae is pressed up behind him holding his hip with one hip and guiding his cock between his thighs, slicked up with lube, with the other. It’s odd. Jaebeom’s never done this even with a woman before. Wonjae’s lips brush against his ear and he thinks he gets how he can enjoy this too.

Wonjae’s cock thrusts between his thighs, and Jaebeom tightens them as he does, shivering at the soft noise Wonjae makes against his ear. The tickling of his breath coupled with the low sound of his voice and the physical sensation of him moving between Jaebeom’s thighs Is enough to make something like pleasure unfurl in his chest. It’s not the kind that makes him want to chase down the feeling. It’s something he can relax into and let wash over him.

With Wonjae pressed as tight as he is against him, he can feel every tremor, every twitch and spasm of pleasure as he fucks the space between Jaebeom’s thighs he gives him. He reaches back with his hand to grab at Wonjae’s neck. When he squeezes down, Wonjae’s breath goes shaky and he fucks against him harder, hips slapping against Jaebeom’s ass in an uncontrolled rhythm.

Jaebeom didn’t feel…powerful when he had let Sunghwa fuck him. He’d felt weak, lost in the pleasure of the sensations, totally out of control in a way that had felt good at the time but after, had left him feeling powerless and lost. This…having Wonjae get pleasure from his body, lose control over something so simple…it reframes some things in his mind. He’s not sure if it’s normal to have such a realization at a time like this, but he likes it.

He likes knowing that giving Wonjae pleasure, even in a way like this, doesn’t have to mean he’s powerless. He can submit his body to get someone else off.

“Jaebeom…”

He’s never heard Wonjae’s voice go so high, or sound so weak. He twists his head around as best he can, pressing a sloppy kiss to Wonjae’s cheek and clenching his thighs again.

“Come on, baby, just like that, you got it,” Jaebeom says, and the only thing he regrets about what they’re doing is he can’t see Wonjae’s face when he comes.

Wonjae comes all over his thighs and his balls, making a mess of him in a way that Jaebeom waits to find terrible but he never does, even as Wonjae goes lax behind him, slumping into Jaebeom’s body and pressing his forehead to Jaebeom’s neck. Jaebeom drops his hand to rest against Wonjae’s hip, rubbing it with his thumb.

“Next time we do this, you better call me that again,” Wonjae says, voice gruff.

Jaebeom grins. “What? Baby?”

He can feel Wonjae’s softening cock twitch between his legs and laughs in response, chest feeling light when Wonjae laughs too.

“Yeah,” Wonjae says. He presses a kiss to Jaebeom’s shoulder. “I like it a lot.”

“I liked…all of this a lot,” Jaebeom says.

“Good.”

Wonjae kisses his shoulder again, several times, rapid fire. It’s…cute. Relaxed. That’s new too. Jaebeom is used to sex being more stressful afterwards, awkward and tense conversation as people try to vacate one another’s space without it being too weird. It’s never been…this. Basking in each other’s presence even though they’re gross and need to at least clean up if not full-on shower.

“My shower isn’t really big enough for two,” Wonjae says as if reading his mind.

“We can take turns,” Jaebeom says.

“And hey,” Wonjae says as Jaebeom pulls away to start edging off the bed. “You’re still a man.”

If it were anyone else, it’d be said as a joke, but when he looks back at Wonjae, there’s a genuine smile on his face, like he’s happy that they got to do this without Jaebeom falling apart. Which…why wouldn’t he be? They do care about each other.

“Yeah, would you look at that,” Jaebeom says.

-.-

“Absolutely not.”

“Please, you have to.”

Jaebeom squints at Minho. He’d taken to hanging out with him and Jiho both more than he used to, their conversations as he’s navigated the start of his and Wonjae’s relationship helping their relationship blossom into proper friendship. Now, he finds himself regretting all of it as he sits on Jiho’s leather couch as Minho looks at him with puppy dog eyes.

“I just wanna do it and I never thought I’d be able to,” Minho says, eyes wide and full of innocence Jaebeom knows isn’t real.

“Jiho, come tell your boyfriend I will not be going on a double date with you,” Jaebeom calls towards Jiho’s kitchen.

“Already tried that,” Jiho says. There’s the clink of soju bottles but he seems to be buying himself time so Jaebeom has to suffer Minho’s nagging on his own.

“What’s Wonjae’s number, he’ll agree with me,” Minho says.

“Wonjae doesn’t like shit like that,” Jaebeom says, then frowns. “Well, not with people he doesn’t know. He’s literally invited Sungwoo on some of our dates before.”

“It’s good cover,” Jiho says, finally emerging from the kitchen and plopping down next to Jaebeom and passing him the bottle before dropping the glasses on the coffee table that Minho’s sitting on. “We take Yoon or Jihoon with us sometimes.”

Jaebeom thinks it’s less about that and more that Wonjae feels safer about pretty much everything with Sungwoo present. It’s not that he thinks Jaebeom is a threat, or at least that’s what he told Jaebeom when he asked. He’d said Sungwoo just has an effect on him that makes it easier to relax, and that makes it easier for him to get to know Jaebeom romantically because he’s less afraid.

It’s weird. If it were anyone other than Sungwoo, it’d probably be terrible, but Sungwoo has an air about him that makes Jaebeom relax too. He knows when to joke and when to be serious. He thinks that’s a lot different from the type of relationship Minho and Jiho have. After all, they’ve known each other since they were still teenagers. When Jaebeom was a teenager…

“That is the face of a man who needs to be drinking,” Jiho says, grabbing the bottle from Jaebeom’s hand and passing him a glass instead. He pours him a shot and Jaebeom swallows it before trading and pouring for Jiho.

“I just remembered I’m like, ten years older than Wonjae,” Jaebeom says.

“Oh,” Minho says. “I mean, I’m six years younger than you and we-“

“Hey,” Jaebeom says. “Don’t make it worse.”

“It’s not that weird though,” Jiho says after he swallows his own shot. “Well, I mean, it is an age difference, sure, but like, none of his friends are his age so that makes sense.”

When he puts it like that, it feels a little bit better.

“I’m still not going on a double date with you guys,” Jaebeom says.

“Just watch,” Minho says. “I’ll wear you both down, I just need Wonjae’s number first.”

Jaebeom rolls his eyes as he pulls his phone out. He pulls up his messages with Wonjae as Jiho pours Minho a shot and Minho wiggles his way onto the couch in between them, leaning into Jiho’s weight.

_Jaebeom: they wanna go on a double date (Sent 10:07 PM)_

_Wonjae: hm, sure. But I choose where (Sent 10:07 PM)_

_Jaebeom: I hate you (Sent 10:08 PM)_

_Wonjae: -kiss emoji- (Sent 10:08 PM)_

“Looks like we’re going on a double date,” Jaebeom says, grabbing his shot glass and shoving the soju bottle back into Minho’s hand so that he’ll pour.

Minho’s mouth drops open and he forgets to pour until Jiho nudges his hand. “Really? Like, really?”

“Yes, really,” Jaebeom says. “But Wonjae says he’s picking where. He hates fancy shit that you like.”

“But he likes museums,” Minho says. “I check his social media. We’ll get along.”

The weird thing is, he’s probably right. The one thing that Jaebeom’s noticed more than anything is how much Wonjae has gone from someone who sticks to people who are mostly like him to branching out and finding people who share his interests even when there’s nothing about them that’s similar outside that. It’s a good thing, Jaebeom thinks. He needs more people in his life like that.

He wants to surround Wonjae people with as much of a positive support network as he can. In the process, he’s sort of built the same thing for himself.

“I’m glad you found him,” Jiho says. “Like…I don’t know. It’s like you’ve loosened up since you helped me get my head out of my ass. It’s nice to see, that’s all.”

Once again, Jaebeom finds himself rejecting his instincts to clam up and change the topic to something easier. “Yeah…it’s nice for me too. I didn’t realize there was so much I was like freaking out about until I had to sit down and confront it. I don’t know. I…I think I’m better for it.”

Jiho smiles. “I think so too.”

Before Jaebeom can respond, his phone buzzes again in his pocket.

_Wonjae: Come spend the night with me after. Miss you (Sent 10:13 PM)_

_Jaebeom: Sure thing (Sent 10:13 PM)_

He waits for it to make him nervous. The thought of returning to someone else’s place, and knowing he can crawl into their bed and be close to them like that…it’s something he’s avoided for so long. Not just with men, but with women too. It’s nice to not run from it anymore. Being cared for isn’t nearly as scary as he thought it was.


End file.
